Now: Amy's Life

Unveil...

2005-11-29T11:25:00.000-04:00

Unveil...

Voice of truth
calls out
Cuts through the years and depth of the lies that I have believed for too long
released
he was the father of lies, and he whispers at every chance he gets
through the betrayl of friends not coming through
through the media and all the pictures and images I will never be
through the lies of not being good enough in every sense of the word
You cut through
you beckon
you call out
invite me
intime me to truth
calling me back into ultimate reality
I love that you are Truth
you call me back into what really is
and show me who i really am
I am your daughter
regardless of how my relationship goes with my own father
you are my salvation
even on days when nothing goes right and even my own sanity is barely salvagable
you are my abba
when I just need to be held
you are peace itself
even when my heart and mind refuse to shut off from thinking all the time
you wage war against my enemies
when I dont have the strength to fight any longer
You are eternal
when I can't even get out of bed to start my day
You are beautiful
which comes in handy when my mascara runs and I feel anything but
You are forever
and I can't imagine what my my life would look like without you every day
You pursue
when I push off my to do list yet again for tomorrow
You invite and ask me to come along
knowing that I have something of worth to offer even when I can't see what that is yet
You are relentless
when I want to throw in the towel yet again
You seek after my inner depths
when I try to bury it further to forget it's all there within
You cut through the chase and the lies
and reveal truth
reveal what you have made me to be
revealing my heart and beauty to offer to others
even when I dont feel like it
even when I try to hide it
You unveil
You pursue
You have captivated my attention and my baggage,
my wounds and my hurts
m y joys and my sorrows
my past, present and future
you have redeemed my heart and chased down my soul
bought and won my desires from the battle and the enemy
what joy there is in being known
freed from within to be me
who you designed me to be
on this adventure you have planned for me
being used to speak out your truth and redemption
chosen to be your mouthpiece to tell of your good news
great news
awesome news
redemption
life really lived
peace
grace
freedom

"The splendor of a king
clothed in majesty
all the earth rejoice
all the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light
and darkness tries to hide
and trembles at his voice
and trembles at his voice
How great is our God...
and all will see how great- is our God"

I have recently started working a holiday job. At an accessory store. Me, selling jewelry. Having to dress up. Three or Four times a week. In heels. And yet, I become like this little girl, unhindered when i walk in and "have to" play dress up and get into the product to sell it. I become girly. It's incredibly exhilirating actually. I am forced to become the thing I'm almost most afraid of (girly) in order to make a paycheck. And, don't tell, but I actually enjoy it sometimes. Not the retail part, watching women spend $150 on a new purse and necklace on a whim when I know the money could feed my Liberian orphans for two months. No, the part when I get to play dress up. look the part I have hidden for so many years because I don't want to be known like I was in high school. Only for outward beauty. I've hiden it for so long that I'm afraid to unveil it and somehow lure a man because of it. Offer it to someone unworthy who will attack it like what happened so often in my youth. Yet, it's awakening something within me again. A girly giddy-ness to ivite other women to explore. Not exploring accessorizing for my commission, but to search within for the hidden things we've buried and hidden afraid of what would happen if anyone saw through the layers again. I'm deciding to come out of hiding. (not coming out of the closet- hiding...) I'm becoming no longer afraid to offer my beauty on behalf of other women anymore. I'm not going to hide. Thank you Jesus for helping to peel back layers, even in the most ridiculous of ways- even forcing me to come face to face with these things by working in an accessory store. I'm not afraid.

He's changing my heart

2005-10-31T00:07:00.000-04:00

Okay, so He is speaking to me, even if it's not what I expected (is it ever what we expect though?) but He's changing my heart to be HERE, in Boulder, for how ever long that is and means... I'm here. So this iss what He siad last week at church:

I am open
Laid bare, transparent before you
only before you
you know all of me
and yet, you still love me, all of me
I don't have to hide
I don't have to pretend
no masks, no disguises
all my insecurities, my doubts, my fears
you know them all
and you don't care
you don't let them separate
you still love me, all of me
How wised that your love
comes without condition
where who I am is fully embraced, fully known
allowed to be me
allowed to be free
freedom to live
freedom to be
words can't fully express
I hide
I play games
I try to run
Doesn't matter where I retreat
you were already there
already there to hold me
to soothe me
to whisper just how much you care into the core of who I am,
who you designed me to be

you are transforming me
redeeming me
changing me
showing me the way to really live
reckless abandon
totally captivated
alive from the inside
honest to the core
unafraid of who I am
or who you are to me
unashamed of the questions that still wage war
you are near
you release my fears
I am freed, changed
liberated and walking in grace

you are not done with me yet
there's more to come
this chapter and season is from you
and you're moving in my heart to be here,
to be fully here,
engaged in life here around me
making a difference
living transparency
taking these words you have spoken over me
and shouting them out in actions, grace, and love
HERE
but with a vision and passion for a greater purpose
and world than just what I see and am surrounded with here
use me here
captivate my attention
direct my paths
stir things up by my life
change my views and people around me
to see you more clearly
because you are living and active in me
show up
show through
turn hearts back to you
back to your grace and truth
you are near and you are here
lead me
lead others through my hands
give me your words and discernment to see you in the ordinary
to have your eyes to see those around me
to meet the needs by your providence
testify through me

you are not afraid of my questions

you are not ashamed of my brokenness- for you have given that to me
so I can feel more deeply,
love more faithfully,
reach out and see others gracefully
love through me

Boulder CO 80303

2005-09-23T17:12:00.000-04:00

I am officially a colorado resident now, Boulder CO 80303. It still seems odd that 3 months ago I was still in my orphanage in Liberia, and now I'm taking care of children in a learning center here in Boulder... teaching 57 african kids the Bible in a room about 15 by 15 feet... and now ten antsy multi-cultural students back in the US have me frazeled every day in a room three times the size and almost unlimited support and resources. Such polar opposite worlds. I like it here, it still doesn't necessarily feel like "home" and settled yet, but I'm here, obedient and sure that this is where I am supposed to be. When I came to visit for just a week, I got an apartment, a wonderful Christian roommate named Sue, a job, and several other leads that just happened to fall into my lap. Since then, I've gone back into debt with the first month of bills and getting back unto my feet in the American lifestyle, but after working for several weeks and selling another half of my belongings, I might be able to think about staying afloat again by Christmas. I get my new (1998 new to me) Honda tonight in Denver, and although she desperatly needs a paint job, she's in great condition. It's amazing to me the places God has taken my heart, my mind, my soul in the past year. Such a journey of learning obedience, brokenness, and dependance upon Him. Being single back in the US in a new place but with old friends is such a different transition than I thought it was going to be, and yet, HE IS FAITHFUL. I'm excited to see why He has brought me here. The people I work with are great- so friendly and welcoming, and I'm eager to see what Jesus has in store for each of them. I want opportunities to invest in their lives. He is faithful, ever so faithful.
My life may be completly random, with friends all over the entire globe now and lots of random people to continue to update and hear from and listen to and invest and pray and cry with... and I always seem so busy (one of Satan's most clever schemes I might add) but I love it. I love not being tied down right now, nothing like a relationship to hold me back from what's next and making relationships with the people around me. God has given some of the collest friends ever, and many of them are right here in Boulder. Even my roommate and friends of friends are becoming some of the most amazing gifts from Jesus, and it just makes me smile. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for... and grace and freedom in Christ are becoming more and more a reality to my heart each day. Who knew that some of the hardest lessons would actually be freeing ones at the same time. Beauty among the ashes... only because of Jesus. this is my life...

i wish

2005-08-11T14:00:00.000-04:00

I wish I could stay in my pajama's all day drinking coffee and jsut getting paid to surf the net. how cool would that be. granted, I'd get bored after like 3 days of that kind of life, but still, it could be cool for a little while. So, I've been in Indy for like 5 days and I've seen about 100 amazing friends from church, work, college, etc... and I love it here. This place feels more like home than 20 years of growing up in MI ever did. I guess that's because I had to do it all on my own. College, Work, Church, LIFE... steps of faith out into the unknown and God abundantly overload exploded amazingness into my life in the past 4 years with some of the most amazing people I've ever known. It's too bad this place is in the mid-west, it's comfortable, homely, almost quaint in a bigcity sense of the word. For as much as my soul hates the burbs, I like it here. Maybe someday for a family, but even then, I know I'll not have a conventional family- 2.5 children with 2 pets and a white picket fence, and instead probably share a townhouse with another family who adopts war-torn orphans and has a muriad of rainbow colored children playing in the front yard with our pet iguana and pit bull... Never a dull moment and never an incling for normalcy. I've hated the question "WHAT'S NEXT" and it get's me almost to the point of wanting to cuss, but I refrain, at least from out-loud cussing. Most of the time. The unknown. What a scary, frightening, terrific, anxious, blur of a time. I can't even imagine what it must be like for my teammates who are already back in jobs and school and lives again. we update each other with emails to keep each other sane- not as many as we probably would all like from each other- but they all have the same theme- we miss Africa, we miss our team, we miss God stretching us more and more each and every day. Now it's a different stretching. Challenging to get back into American routinue, trying to re-tell and capture the magnitude of doing ministry in a war-torn broken and fragile place like Liberia, and falling in love with everything completly opposite of America. I know the next step is going to be big. I've had it out with God several times over the last few months over my wanting roots... wanting stability of some sorts. I want intentional relatioips where I just share Jesus with people because that's who I am and that's what I'm about- real, authentic, contagious Jesus, at work in a broken compassionate emotional basketcase like myself. I don't want to do ministry for the sake of DOING or because I'm in a comfortable bubble and that's what I'm supposed to do or conjure up some plan to save souls- I'm learning it's so not about that- that's limiting to what God actually wants to do in my life and the lives around me, trying to limit God to a campfire expereience that's on my terms and timing. Africa certainly want's that orderly- what possibly makes me think that life back in my own culture should be either? I'm going on a whirlwind adventure to see friends in Boulder/Denver/CO Springs, then Houston, and then Minneapolis, with the decision then to be made to most likely move to Boulder and start doing LIFE with college students out there. Just being real. That's really all I have to offer anyway, right? The unknown next steps might be scary, and well, unknown, but how cool is it that God has something lined up to use me- little ol' broken me- to magnify big amazing HIM. yeah, it's exciting. I'll keep you posted.

Back in the U-S of A...

2005-08-02T12:14:00.000-04:00

I've officially been back for a week and a half now, but glued to this computer for what seems like a year looking for jobs all around this beautiful country, and I can't help but think- "Where did the time go again?". I mean, was it all a dream- was I really in Africa, playing with the most amazing children ever, living among utter oppression and poverty and it became normal, and hanging out with the most incredible team since Robin and Batman teamed up to fight Gotham crime? I miss them.. I miss them so much. I went to Africa knowing I would be changed, changed from within, stripped bare, but didn't expect to make such amazing friends and be welcomed like family by the people we lived near and worked with. To be honest, culture shock is super hard. I knew it would be rough re-entering and all, but being back is jsut a lot to readjust to. I know I have a million people to update, visit, catch up with, but it's exhausting and overwhelming all of the things I have to do. I need direction, I need a job/home/etc... but instead I jsut want to nap. I got many of my pictures back yesterday, and it brought back a flood of memories. I'll be sending out my thank you's in the next week, and taking the next 4 weeks to travel and see friends, along with interviews. I can't wait to see my friends, and I'm excited to hear what God has been doing in their lives as well as updating them on my life here too... Know that I'm just processing a ton... I've changed so much, and I'm still figuring out how that fits back in here...

WOW... so, My last night on the ship- 19 days until I'm "home"

2005-07-02T18:12:00.000-04:00

(Warning- sorry again- this is a long one... Lot's to say on my mind tonight, but it'll be my last update until I go home... so... enjoy?!)
So... 52 days living in New Georgia, then two weeks aboard the Anastasis again, and now I'm leaving tomorrow for a Xhosa Village for a week, then debriefing for a week, then a 5 day tour of South Africa (including a Safari! yeah!), and then I fly home on the 21/22 of July. I'm such a mixed mush of emotions right now- my brain hurts from processing, packing, and preparing to go "home"... what is home anymore anyway? I know what Paul was talking about when he said this is not his home and he's simply a stranger and alien here (on earth). My eyes have been opened to so much, and I've seen so many things and experienced life in such a different way, seeing a totally different side of God that I never even knew that I didn't know in my life personally about Him... and now I'm preparing to go "home", which is no longer a place with all of the people I love, because they've all gotten married or started families or moved and started new jobs, churches, and live in new and different places, and everything that was familiar to me will now be foreign and strange, and no one within 6 hours of me will have experienced and understand the things that have happened to me in the last 5.5 months. People have asked already 'How was it' or 'Tell me a story that depicts what you went through', and I begin to try to find the words to utter something, or even when I attempt to write in my journal (or this blog), and nothing comes out. "Um, I see God differently... and I think I want to adopt now for sure... and I am in love with war-torn orphans- and a piece of my heart was left with them forever...?" Yeah, like that makes sense?! There's so much I will miss about Africa and the Ship.
The Ship: What an international family. 35 nations making the body of Christ REAL with differnt languages, cultures, experiences, ages, skin color- but all one purpose and mission- Loving God, Loving People. Beautiful community- complex and sometimes claustrophobic, but wonderful.
Liberia: Wow. my babies. I'm tearing up just thinking about how much I miss their hugs and sweaty kisses, how much it cost me to love them (worms, scabbies, heat rash, never ending sweat, pussing blisters) but how I would do it all over again- with a much better attitude and eternal perspective moment by moment if I had the chance to do it all over again. Just when we really started to connect, really were feeling comfortable in our uncomfortableness living in a totally foreign culture but making it work, and just LOVING people like Jesus would and reaching out to the oppressed, we had to haul it back to the ship and try and make sense of it all as we returned to our simple 'luxuries' again, leaving these amazing relationships behind. I guess to explain a little more I'll give you some highlights from my journal from when I got back aboard a few weeks ago. *NOTE* I'm about to be really open and vulnerable- blunt and honest, so just know that as you read. Somehow I fear the rejection of being open with my friends and family and supporters, thinking that if they really knew what I struggled with or how I was frustrated during my learning times here that they would look down on me or think that their support for me in this experience was a waste or something. I know it's a lie, but it's a thought that lingers any way.

June 17
Where do I even begin too process the last eight weeks. I have been back aboard the Anastasias for almost 36 hours now, and I have no idea where to even begin to start. It feels like the last 8 weeks were just a dream, as the Ana feels like home again, strangely enough. Flushing toilets, running showers that are hot, a comfortable bed, air conditioning, white people as the majority, I’m not a celebrity anymore, hot meals I didn’t slave over a coal fire to make dinner for thirteen people before we head out to a ministry site- and yet the world that I have come to see as normal is just outside my porthole for another 18 hours before we set sail to South Africa...
I feel sick to my stomach being back, everything feels nauseous and out of place, distorted and surreal. I don’t remember what it is to feel “normal” anymore, after 8 weeks of nastiness, sweat, worms, scabies, bucket showers and diarrhea, and yet, being back doesn’t feel right and makes it all seem like I dreamed some wacked out long dream and I’m back aboard to sail again, somehow leaving this dream world of chaos and relationships behind, and I'm still not sure how to let go...
Looking back, the one word I used so often during outreach in New Georgia was frustration, but I don’t seem to have much of that frustration carried back with me now, which seems weird for how intense that emotion was while I was there. Everything was frustrating- having my named called out every two seconds while walking the streets; children peering in my windows 24/7 and having them call my name; visitors stopping by all day long; constantly being bombarded with people wanting to “be my friend”- only to find that most of the time they just wanted me to carry them to America, diagnose them with some sort of medical ailment and treat them, give them money, or any other of a hundred nee; the Liberian English that was always too fast, too slurred, too jumbled and pronounced like some sort of drunken stopper; the wads of money to keep track of to cook, take taxi’s, shop, etc.; the children who would run up just to touch the white girl or yell hello eight times while walking by- and having to pass them ten times just by lunch time; the worms, scabies, passing bug bites, bucket showers, horrible body odor, smelly bathrooms, bucket flushing, drawing water for our obsurd water consumption; cooking over a coal fire; shopping for thirteen people and three square meals a day in a market with six ingredients- and having a daily budget to feed all of them that was more than an entire month of rent to stay in a home in our estate; the blasted heat and constant sweat pool, and the attempt each night to make gold bond paste on my back and heat rashes to soothe the itch, burn, and prickly heat to maintain some sort of sanity through the night and into the next morning; fighting with 100 African’s to jump into a burned out shell of a Volvo van meant for 18 and cramming 35 inside with groceries, bags, and small children while hitting every pothole and puddle down Somalia road- or hitch-hiking with NGO vehicle’s and knowing that I was only picked up because I stuck out like a sore thumb that didn’t belong which made me feel guilty for being white, spoiled, special, American, blessed; dealing with the raining season and puddles everywhere; Nothing was ever quiet, there was never silence to just get away in the presence of the Lord to just BE…. And yet the MOST frustrating thing was that I let so many stupid and petty things get to me so badly and frustrate me to such hostility and have such a short fuse with everything else that surrounded me in the moment, trading God’s eternal perspective and purposes for the fleeting frustrations of today and dwelling on those instead of the things He wanted to show me or use me in instead. Even in Africa, on the Mission field, fulfilling seven years of burdens and prayers coming to pass before my very eyes as God brings promises in my life to fulfillment- I get caught up in the mundane and petty and miss the point, and once again find out that place and circumstances don’t magically wave a spiritual superhero wand over my life radically transforming me to save the day and change lives, heal the sick and hurting and know all the right things to say at just the right and perfect time, and instead I still struggle with prayer, falling asleep while trying to read the Bible because of the exhaustion of ministry and African heat, and find living in a house with ten other emotional and estrogen charged girls one of the most irritating parts of the experience.
Yet, all that venting aside…. God did so much in the last 8 weeks- in me, through me, through our team, and I have seen our lives, the lives of the New Georgia community, and my own life and vision something has changed radically because of something outside myself and abilities, outside of my own understanding, outside natural comprehension and explanation- an there’s not yet words to describe it all or even match emotions to everything that just happened. I tried burning cd’s tonight with the pictures I had taken and the faces didn’t even need to appear on the computer screen- they are permanently etched in my mind like these still clips of something out of body. I wonder how many ways I can say that I don’t have words and can’t begin to describe what just happened as if saying it over and over will actually explain anything for anyone else who ever tries to read this- or years later when I try and see what I was thinking after living here for 8 weeks- only to realize again that words escape me...
Later on June 17th
We met together again at 2 in the afternoon to be met by the best blessing ever from Team Anastasias- a spiritual spa with a massage station, meditation and encouragement station, foot washing, communion, and a place for prayer. I started with foot washing, and broke down crying before Jen as she prayed for me and told me how much I deserved it, blessed are the feet that bring good news, and then it hit me that I hadn’t just sat in the presence of the Lord in SILENCE (slash there was music playing and there were 25 people in the room) but it was quiet before the Lord that I hadn’t had in over two months. I needed that therapy sooooo much. Bawling, I moved to the communion table and just cried out for healing for my broken heart, and for the grace to leave this place and all the ministry of the past 8 weeks in God’s hands- He simply has to bee my peace right now because I feel totally at a loss. What really hit me as I was sitting there was that God really has to help me sort through all these feelings and beginning to ponder the next step- because if it’s coming back with Mercy Ships to Liberia then I don’t have to let this place go, and I can keep many of these burdens and all that I’m wrestling with about culture, injustice, poverty, oppression, these kids, etc- just on hold for a few months for when I would return. If I’m not coming back and I’m supposed to go back to the States and somehow re-enter a developed American world with my unveiled eyes and afflict the comforted- then I have to completely release and let go of all the things waging war in my head, keeping me awake like an insomniac because I need to get these feelings out before they implode even more inside of me. I took communion and headed over to the Meditation/encouragement station and found the card with my name on it, and before I could read it, Jeff handed me his phone with a text message from Rose on the screen- telling us she sends her love, and that she went to the house because she was lonely but was so sad to realize we weren’t there anymore. UGH- tug at the heart strings, so I started bawling again, and Meg Towner held me while I sobbed. I looked over at Missy to see she was sobbing too- which is more rare so I knew it wasn’t just me being over emotional or something. Once I read the card it was totally what I needed to hear- words from the Old Testament about being poured out on behalf of justice- two verses from Hosea and Lamentations that I had never read in this light before, but encouraged me so much as I grieved. I headed over to Christie Henshaw to have a massage, but just cried through it as I listened to the words of a worship CD that I had never heard before, but seemed to fit my emotions and processing dead on each and every song. I left and cried with Charis as she prayed over me, and it was so good to just be held as I tried to begin to put a finger on all that I am wrestling and sorting through with God.
June 18
I’ve let so many people into my life and my heart, spent so many hours in prayer for them, for God to radically transform and change their lives- and I got the privilege of watching some of that transformation take place in their lives, and just as it was getting good, we took off and pulled out of the neighborhood. It’s so hard to re-release all that investment back into God’s hands- not as though I ever believed it was mine to begin with, but just the personal soul investment that I shared with those children, our neighbors, the girls at THINK- we were just beginning to see things start to happen and now I’m back here. It makes me appreciate the long-term vision and investment of people like Mauricio even more now, the willingness to lay it all down for the sake of other people catching the vision of Matthew 28. It’s all about lives being changed over time and investment, spending yourself on behalf of the things that break God’s heart. I’ve seen a whole new side of that here in Liberia to people devastated by war, corruption, perversion, oppression and poverty that has debilitated and crippled an entire nation. I am passionately angered at the corruption that has been bred on every level of society here- from the high levels of government for bringing their greed and evil and inflicting it like a disease upon an entire nation, allowing to seep and take root in the education systems, businesses, even the churches...
Jesus, help me discern and see you even as I process through how you are at work in your people here. I know that they know you and you are alive and well in their lives- You are in control and I know that many of them are earnestly seeking you. Help me to not scrutinize my brothers and sisters, and help me to see the issues that I so often overlook in my own life and the churches that feel comfortable back home too...
June 19
I need to just get out what I'm thinking and processing about each project already-
About the ministry sites we were involved in… maybe that will help me put words to what my brain is swimming through right now. THINK. What a great ministry… I’m grateful for Liberians who “get it” and have a heart for helping their own people, to see former women soldiers and prostitutes transformed into women who can lead productive lives and follow the path that God has for their lives.
Rita and Lovetee have become two faces and beautiful girls that I can pray for and personally intercede and stand in the gap on their behalf. At 14 and 16 (with a 2nd and 4th grade education level), these two have seen a lot, and I couldn’t begin to even ask where they had come from or what they have seen- I knew it would be too hard for them to rehash it all with me so I just left it at building a friendship with them. Rita seemed especially found of me, and always pulled me aside and asked me to pray for her, something I delighted in doing and always asked for God to lead her and guide her, using her transformed life as a platform for ministry unto the lives of other young women. Even with just an hour a week spent with those girls, it was great to go and just be their friends, to hang out and just try to bless and encourage them, giving them a glimpse of what female friendships can look like outside of life in a battalion, hopefully also giving them a glimpse of normality to look forward to after re-entering socially, academically, and communally into their lives as changed women from who people used to know them as...
Bethlehem Orphanage. Teaching college level theology to 54 six year olds in a 15 by 15 foot classroom with a leaky roof and dirt floors, without school supplies and 1 bench or battered chair for every third student so they could all share by sitting atop one another as we tried for 60 minutes to get them to remember one bible verse by memorization with hand signals and motions- WOW. 200 children in the school, 40 or 50 being a part of the orphanage run by corrupt owners and directors who would sell the donations to other people on the street. The children had very limited capabilities in the way of comprehension, attention span, and basic education of writing, reading- even basic emotional understanding about themselves- it was all completely foreign to each of them and far beyond us to expect any of that from them- so we had to totally change the way we approached teaching, classroom management and crowd control, creative teaching styles within cramped and confined spaces with zero resources, and even what were to teach them was completely out of our control. These kids can pray, and their worship is so beautiful. They clap this triple beat and one will yell out some sort of chant and the other 53 will fall right into line with them, and as one song trails off, some other child begins another and leads them. Most of the songs are pretty simple, “He’s in control”… but they one’s we taught them with motions were a huge hit because they got to move and be a little silly and expressive- something that seems rarely encouraged much for children at all here. It was so beautiful to watch these kids be able to memorize, and then remember weeks later these complex verses about God’s holiness, that He’s a spirit who created all things, etc… it was just really cool to realize that the methods used previously I may not think are the most effective – at least by American standards and what I am used to, but these kids still remembered the Word of God even without creative methods or hand motions or songs...
New Georgia Orphanage. Where to begin-we were there every day, which makes for quite the heart investment. To be honest, I didn’t feel very attached at first- I didn’t really know my role there, I could see things that we could do but didn’t actually know I anything would come to pass (painting bible verses, painting the alphabet, having Kennedy catch the vision to teach the Bible differently to the kids, etc). It felt like a project, something to do just for a few weeks, and kids who needed help but I had no idea how to connect with and make that barrier disappear. Hilary and I started interviewing Kennedy, the 26 year old son who helps run the orphanage with Sister Francis about week three. We hadn’t prayed before going down there, and somehow just hadn’t thought through what all we were about to go through in listening to these stories of the emotional baggage these kids have had to carry around called their ‘pasts”. We were blown away and absolutely dumb-founded with shock that first day and the few days following it- these horrific stories of abandonment, neglect and rejection… to stories where the past is completely unknown because they had come from a displacement camp and no one had ever gotten a file or any information about their parents or history. I couldn’t decide which was worse. To hear a kid’s mother had been raped in front of her and her father, and then both beheaded when she was two… or a complete blank page for history to know where one of them came from. Jesus broke my heart so deeply for those first few stories, totally taking away the barrier of the project feel and actually making ministry feel life on life. Most of those kids don’t know much about their own stories- they were too young when it all happened or things haven’t been properly explained to them since. Yet, to know the details of where each of them was coming from- and have some explanation and brief glimpse into why one of them would lash out or be temperamental gave such more grace and insight into my ministry and interaction there. It also allowed me to really get to see Kennedy’s heart for each of these kids- he loves them each so much and it really affected him to have to share the intimate details of where these kids have been to Hilary and I- and his heart totally showed through in that...
June 23/24
So, I’ve been back on the ship for over a week, and I still can’t talk, process, or put words to my experience in New Georgia. I leave the ship in a week, and I have no idea how I’m going to react to a developed country... and I just feel like crying all the time, but usually don’t let myself get to the point where I’m alone to get to that point. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life when I get home- where I’m going to go, what I’m going to do. As much as I’m grateful for this experience and for changing so much, I’m so scared and at times wish I hadn’t seen what I’ve seen or had my heart burdened for all these things, my mind racing with questions that have no answers or anything that I can do about them now that I’m two thousand miles away again... I hate opening myself up to be vulnerable with people and situations only to then have everything ripped away a few months later and taken from my heart and emotions, ripped away like a sticky bandaid on long hair. I’ve gotten to know so many people on the ship, so close with people in Segue who have struggled with me through all this change and deep emotions and wrestling with these huge theological and personal struggles and challenges, and now I’m just supposed to go home and leave it all behind...? having to adjust back into American culture that I struggled with even before leaving, and re-entering now just sounds like such a chore... and I'm not sure how much mroe change my heart can take any more. Everyone has changed so much since I’ve been gone too- getting new jobs, marriage, new dating relationships, moving states- so it’s not even like I’m returning to anything familiar, although people will expect me to be the same and I know I’m not. I don’t know why I’m so scared to go back, but I think some of it is the idea that I’ll be paralyzed by the ignorance of others or super-reactive when those I’m close to can’t understand and relate to me anymore.
Lord, I’ve seen so much, you have changed me and my heart, you have changed my perspective on so many things, especially how I see you and how I view the world. Please don’t let me go home and just go back to how things were before I came here. Lord, prepare my heart to return to where you want me, and prepare my heart for what you want me to do, investing in people and causes that matter to you and that you can use me most effectively in.
WOW- well, if you're still reading, that's come of what I've processed in the last few weeks here. I'm beyond anxious as I prepare for the last 3 weeks in Africa and then brace myself for the culture shock awaiting me back home. JESUS- you have to be my grace right now, because I'm completly overwhelmed by everything you have done in me and through me in the last 6 months. You are amazing, and I am so thankful for all that you have done in my life. Prepare me for what lay ahead, and open whatever opportunities are before me in your good and perfect plan for my life. Use me to be the change you want to transform in the lives you bring before me. Be glorified in me and through me Lord Jesus, no matter where I am serving and loving you.

Outreach in New Georgia- T minus 9 days...

2005-06-08T05:09:00.000-04:00

Satan is attacking from every side. The count is now Worms- 2, Scabbies-2, days in a row of the big D- 3 and counting, headache- stopped counting the days in a row, stabbing pains in my stomach, arthritic joints and bones, I almost had a concussion this weekend when I fell and hit my head on a cement block and now have a tangerine lump on the back of muy skull... I mean, satan is messing around. Brokenness in the heat of Africa with bucket showers is one of the most trying things I've had to endure- but God is still good- all the time. We have had over 2,800 USD come to our disposal to use on the New Georgia orphanage to do repairs, paint, by clothes, donate 4 sewing machines and pay for tailoring lessons, we've painted several bible verses on the kids walls, gotten mattresses, blankets, sheets, shoes, clothes- AH! JESUS IS SOOOOO GOOD. I don't know how I'm going to leave those children behind. They have told me (the directors) that they want me to stay and look after the kids instead of leaving, but I don't think that's what the Lord has for me. I have learned SO MUCH since being here, and I'll update more on that later one back on the ship, but I think what Liberia needs most is other Liberians who are willing to step up and give the hand up to each other instead of more NGO's and outside aid coming and and just providing hand outs. It's complicated, and I don't doubt our call or usefullness in this time and place, but for the long term sustainability, there needs to be more training and raising up than just our own doing. Pouring into the lives of these children is amazng though- I love watching them squeel when we come in and laugh and sing and pray... Jesus has totally showed me more and mroe of his heart for the fatherless, the oppressed, and broken my heart for the things that break His. It's been a really hard lesson to learn and struggle through, but one that has definetly changed me and my view on life. I feel like blinders have been taken off of my view of the world and my view of God- and it's hard to imagine how I stood in ignorance for so long without this reality of His faithfulness, provision, and justice for the developing world... but I am thankful for the new outlook and refreshed look into God's heart for the poor and broken, especially here in Africa. There are many things I will miss about Liberia- mostly the people and the thankfulness they have for their blessings, but I'm also excited and filled with hope to go home with more boldness to face some of the challanges in the developed world, taking what I've learned here in principle and applying it to lives back in the states- wherever I end up :) I love you all- more later, pray for our last few days here, our goodbyes, and our ability to re-entrust all that God has done in and through us back to Him to continue moving even after we leave... miss you all!

May 22,2005 OUTREACH in New Georgia

2005-05-22T16:45:00.000-04:00

Satan is trying to take me out of the battle physically just aabout every day here in New Georgia,a communtiy outside of Monrovia,Liberia. I have contracted Errupting Skin worms- oh yes,they come up tothe surface,expolde,and make trails and leave scars. I was treatedfor them, babies hatched in my foot so I got them a second time again this week. Friday I found out that I had scabbies on my left hand. Both itch like nobody's business and just HURT after being treated,leaving scars and bruises- my legs are a sight. Who knew you could get a cold in Africa when you sweat this much every day in 90 degree temps, but it happened to6 of us two weeks ago,and the sore throat is sticking around for many too... not to mention the nausea from my meds, sleepless nights in pools ofmy own sweat on the floor in a mosquito net, and fighting fatigue and "running stomach" throughout the day... and yet,I love it here. This past week is really when I got to see why I am here.I heard 8 of the 35 stories behind the children in one of the orphanages- the one I'm helping to set upa sponsorship program with back in the states with Wonby One Foundation in Seattle. I broke down in tears with the director,Kennedy,over their stories. Children left in boxes in the middle of the night, prositute mothers who abandoned their kids, and kids without stories because they were just found at refugee camps that wereover-crowded during the war. it was too much to take in,and I lost it. God totally removedmydistant-not-sure-of-my-place-why-am-i-here attitude,and showed me the sotries behind these precious faces thatI'm learning to love more and more each time we are there. It's no longer just a project- it's life-on-life- I'm going to fight hard to get these kids the best. They have no locks, spray painted walls from the rebels, no food,no mats,NOTHING. We have gotten 8 mattresses, painted two buildings, and installed mosquito nets on the windows. the steel doors and locks get installed this week(PRAISE PRAISE). The two directors are faithful followers of CHRIST and havesuch beautiful hearts for the children,and many of the older boys are learning a lot about physical work with our projects,which is nice since there are 11 girls and 2 boys with us!they are between 16-23,and most are only in 5th or 6th grade. To be apprenticed by carpenters or welders in the area is our next prayer we are hoping to be answered so they will be able to help around the orphganage as well as have a skill to make money. The younger kids can'tafford to go to school,only the 9 oldest. There is barely enough food...and yet, they have so much joy and faithin the Lord to provide each day for their needs. The other two projects are great too,but this is certainly where my heart is most invested. Lerarningthat I have scabbies friday caused me to break down. Icould prevent it- but that would mean not touching or hugging or holding any kids here ever just in case. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Three weeks of being itchy or uncomfortable in exchange for kids seeing Jesus with flesh on and getting affection and attention they don't get anywhere else,ever... It's worth it to me. it's giving my rights,even for comfort. I am in love and I have entered into my element of brokenness,being used, and knowing that God is using me here tobe a light to these children.

Okay, last post before outreach- Week 12 Thoughts

2005-04-08T13:24:00.000-04:00

My favorite speaker YET came this week- Rob Morris, and he stirred up my heart so much with thoughts on Justice for the poor.. man, God is all about justice for the broken and needy, and I feel like scales have fallen from my eyes over what he addressed this week. Since I loved it so much, I typed up my favorite thoughts from the week and I'm posting them for you to enjoy as well! I leave tomorrow for 10 days of cultural application (living with a family and learning the way of life here in community) and then we come for 48 hrs to pack- and go back tot he same community- New Georgia- and 12 of us move into a house and live and do ministry out there for 7 weeks. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! YEAH! I'm finally able to work in an orphanage! woohoo! Okay, enjoy thoughts with Rob Morris now!

Things I loved from Rob Morris (Week 12)

We often miss God speaking because we limit when he can speak to us- be open to Him speaking even in those “non-designated” times.

Things are not the way they were supposed to be- we have turned God’s dream into a nightmare.

Think of what could happen if we started asking God about Justice- identify (with) the issues and ask for God’s heart (ask for your reaction is actually appropriate).

If your theology doesn’t work out in every culture, then it doesn’t work.

LORD, I want to be personally engaged-SHOW me and open my eyes.

I don’t want to grow old, I want to grow NEW.

Everything boils down to loving God and loving people.

Justice is about the long haul, commitment, and sacrifice.

What are you in this Christian thing for? Are there self-motivated reasons about me- if it’s about me, it’s not enough.

Everybody’s beef with Christianity isn’t about truth, but about authenticity.

The Bible isn’t a playbook to act out a role like Jesus, but actually dying to self and allowing Him to live in me. And at that- the world is undone at the sight.

At the end of the day, does it matter to God? Remember what this is about.

The disciples weren’t superheros- they were ragamuffins. Learn to live life with your limp. His purpose isn’t to “fix me”, God wants intimacy with broken me.

We can’t love God if we aren’t loving people, and you can’t love people if we don’t love God.

God help us when an abortion clinic becomes a safe haven to the angry mob of protestors outside. -”I will enter LIFE with you”

If I don’t have the “loving God” part down, my love for others is a resounding gong.

Don’t ever forget your first love- (revelations- church in Ephesus)

Jesus lived out his fast- (Isaiah 58) why do we think of fasting as a last resort and slot machine?

It’s easy to rally around a cause- but what can I do to help meet the need of the root of the cause- not just what happens because of them.

When did “hearing God’s voice” become this separate spiritual quest outside of the relationship?

“I’m your father- you are my child- I’m just pumped that you want to go and spend time with me- where do you want to go? I’m with you! Seek me- I am with you!”

“Do you have any idea where your father has been lately?” He was there even in the tragedy!

Embrace your own brokenness and limp walk. The only place you can embrace and engage with others is from your intimacy with Christ- otherwise, you will fry. Remember where you’ve come from and what this is all about.

You can go crazy trying to figure out the answers or set yourself free into His mystery- He is above your understanding. Learn to embrace the mystery of God, His “magic”.

Passion is a Steely Determination, committed for life, continuing on- not about strong emotions but staying determined.

“God loves you as you are and not as you should be” -Brennan Manning

The Holy One of Israel would rather come humbly and die than live without me....

I have been transformed in me to transform all around me... My bottom Line is Knowing Him INTIMATLEY

Living life with people costs so much, but it’s the most lasting, loving, and effective- we don’t walk alone. How is it even possible to love others quickly? Life on Life.

Quit begging God to work in my life- HE IS!? He is already doing it- I don’t have to figure it all out or have Him come in the typical ways that I expect or plan out.

When God shows us our sin- we have the choice to be repulsed by our selfish sin nature- I can die to it or hide it again.

Do I want to just be with God even when there is not anything “in it” for me... Because I just want to be with you

God doesn’t create ashes to make beauty, we make the ashes- but He is the one who makes them beautiful though.

What are my motives for why I desire the things that I desire? Is it me trying to be something instead of just loving Him and having Him transform me- crucify performance Christianity- It is NOT ABOUT ME and WHAT I AM KNOWN FOR.

Justice is the right use of power- when power and authority are used and exercised in connection with God’s standards of holiness, moral excellence and purity.

Biblical justice is different because we believe in the transformation of the human heart.

Poverty is the crushing the dream of God into a nightmare.

Don’t isolate yourself to see the things that I want to see, surrounding myself with what I like and what is easy and comfortable. Rejoin the human nightmare- break out from the bubble (you weren’t meant to live in a bubble) Get back into the neighborhood and stay engaged. Christianity is not “build it and they will come”- it’s GO to them, Emmanuel- Go bring hope- be SALT AND LIGHT.

Hebrews 13:3 If I was _____, then I would want... you react differently once you understand their shoes.

“Rebel against your own indifference” -Bono

“Despair is a greater sin than any of the sins that provoke it” -C.S. Lewis

“One man with passion is a far greater force than 99 with just an idea” -Anonymous

“The only thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing.” -Burke

Extravagant love= Beyond Reason

We have to admit that we have caused injustice by our own indifference and ignorance. God has never called us to staying ignorant! (But know what you are talking about too!)

Doing justice will affect how you live your life- be justice minded.

Exploitation= taking advantage of someone else for your own personal gain.

God -will you give us your strategies that are long lasting and not just reactive!

Lord, what do you want me in the long haul for?

“It’s not just how much we do or give, but how much love we put into it” -Mother Theresa

Am I engaged in the battle that rages around me?

How dependent am I on feelings and emotions am I for my relationship with God? (“If I feel it, it must be true”)

As you are purposely entering into the pain and suffering of humanity, yeah, it’s probably not going to feel good.

Am I in this walk with God thing for the benefits for me- the backrubs- or am I in this for Him?

The idea that ‘God won’t give you more than you can handle’- bull! It’s so much more than you can handle and deal with so that we will turn and cling to Him in it and through it!

Is it God and ___ (feelings, health, ministry, blessings, heaven, fellowship, etc.) or is it just God alone? It’s not about the place, the end- it’s about the roller-coaster ride and the person of Jesus Christ- simply knowing Him NOW. It’s not about removing us from suffering, but being with us in it.

Learning to walk with God means He has to let go of our hands to let us stand- he sees something of strength in me to let me go and walk by faith and not feelings (psalm 13- YET I will trust)

What dictates the passion of the pursuit? -It’s the value of the prize-

Hag #1, #2, #3- Briar patches, mountains, deserts, rock country roads- do I run after the Son of the king, or settle for the mansion or a room in the palace?

Ongoing Incarnation was not a 33 year experiment of the Father- He is alive in me and meets people through me. He no longer dwells in temples made by human hands- I am the living Holy of Holies- Does that change how I live? Move out of the way and let Him live through me. Instead of WWJD- it should be DIE.

Last Update Before Outreach

2005-04-02T19:07:00.000-04:00

So, I wish I could be more faithful to update everyone as to what I'm thinking, feeling, and experiencing here in Liberia, but it's all so overwhelming and words can't do any justice to the things that go on here. I have seven days aboard the ship still until we leave for our cultural application (formerly known as language learning phase- but they speak English here, so it's more about adjusting to Liberian ways of life rather than learning to speak a new language). In this time we will be living with families off the ship in a community called New Georgia (sort-of a suburb of Monrovia, past the swamps- which should be fun during the rainy season- pray against malaria!) It's in this community that there are 14 families who will take in two of us and for ten days we will learn to eat, sleep, talk, live and love like a Monrovian! I'm really looking forward to this time out in the community, as the same neighborhood we will be living in and the church we are initially involved with is where we will be returning two days after cultural application to actually do our outreach phase- so we'll already know the community, people, ministries, etc instead of just moving into the neighborhood and setting up camp. During outreach, 12 of us will be living in a 3bdrm house- cinder blocks and cement floors, across the street from the city well and 4 houses down from the city market. One of our orphanages is about 300 meters down the street- we couldn't have a better location! It's considered a middle-class-ish neighborhood for the area, but there's not much to compare anything here to things back home- not even inner cities really grasp the poverty and oppression Liberia has faced for 14 years of civil war. There is no electricity, no running water, no infrastructure, and the interim-government is in such a fragile state... and yet, so many of the people seem so hopeful for the future. There are certainly some here who have had all of their hopes and dream dashed upon the rocks, and anyone in their mid-twenties or younger has known nothing but war all while growing up- and it's just accepted as normal... so living with people and getting to know what living like this is even like will be such a huge paradigm shift for me. During the outreach phase (until June 16) I won't really have email access, or access to a incoming phone, so I will kind-of feel cut-off from the world, but again, I guess some of that is identification with understanding what it means to live as a Liberian. The other half of the team will live aboard the ship and work in departments (Community Development, Dental, Outreach, the Ward and Health Care Services, and the Operations departments), and there will certainly be differences in the challenges both teams face (the grass is greener on the other side syndrome- they have AC, electricity, etc.- but we're living in the community and get to be involved in some amazing ministry opportunities). We for sure have work with at least one orphanage within the New Georgia community, and I’ve been selected to head up a sponsorship team within the outreach, to take their pictures and get their individual stories, and submit them to a foundation back in the States for these children to be sponsored! I’m so excited that our ministry with them doesn’t have to end, that they can get some tangible help consistently, and that the ship will return in October and they get to go back to this place and continue to love on these kids after the 8 weeks we will have with them! The other ministry possibilities are with a few other orphanages, local churches, a ministry working with women who used to be part of the rebel soldiers regime, and two ministries for former (and current) sex slaves and prostitutes. Sounds to be pretty intense ministry, but the team is amazing, diverse, and really ready to just go be used, learn, and love on these people already! I have to admit that I’m going to miss the comforts of the ship- bucket showing and flushing for two months might get old after about day three- but I’m ready to “experience Africa”. Sometimes I’ve felt as though my view has been limited in scope since I’ve had the “luxury2 of returning at night to the ship- even when we didn’t have hot water, no AC, and the confinements of ship life- it was still luxury in comparison to what you see around town and the lifestyle the Liberians didn’t choose but have been forced to live… I don’t know when I’ll be able to update next from ‘the field’ but know that I will try!
This week I got to watch surgeries, and it was amazing! They even let me take pictures! I watched a cataract removal- amazing how complex even God made our vision to be! The other surgery was of a locked jaw reconstruction (there was some other fancy medical term, but that was what it was) and they removed part of her temporal muscle and made it her new jaw hinge- and by this weekend she was supposed to be able to eat solid foods again- something she hasn’t done in over ten years! (And again, the things I take for granted- even chewing and my eye sight…). I’ll show more pictures about that later. I sent home a CD with pictures on it (over 400 actually) and with Mom and Dad’s cable connection, hopefully those might be uploaded sometime soon! Yeah for actually being able to see this beautiful place, huh?!
Here are a few Updates:
Christina, my adopted patient:
Montgomery, her father, came today again, as he did last Saturday, to bring me fruit and greetings from Anna and Christina. He gave me bananas- and I gave him a mango to let him know that I appreciated his friendship as well. He came with AMAZING news today though!! We can’t treat Christina aboard the ship for her eye tumor until Oct when the ship returns from South Africa because the CT scan machine is broken- and this news devastated the family. However- since she came to the ship, her tumor has been very smalley shrinking in size!!! I have no idea how to pray for healing or any of that- so I’ve been very cautious in praying anything outrageous or bold- because I guess I think I’m scared of how my heart- and this family and beautiful Christina would take it if God didn’t show up as expected. When news came tonight that her tumor was a little bit better, and has been reducing itself instead of growing- which is beyond rare- makes me all the more bold in approaching the Throne of Grace with CONFIDENCE for this child to see something miraculous in her life. I have no doubt that God wants to do something powerful in her and through her- she’s just beyond special- but whether that’s physically healing her or having the doctor’s play a role in that in October- I’m not sure. I’m learning to step out in faith a little bit and seek God in new ways. Learning that my prayer life and intercession can actually be combined with my emotions- that God can actually give me a glimpse of how He feels for people and His heart for the lost, broken, and down-trodden- and use both my feelings/broken heart for the things that break His to stand in the gap for children like Christina has been revolutionary for me here. I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned for Christina’s life, and I feel privileged to be a part of this family’s life.
The Ship; PRAISE JESUS- we have Air Conditioning! Yes, although taken for granted back home, it’s really needed here! Sleeping, working, serving and studying in a human oven is not fun it turns out (although I only have the luxury for one more week, but that’s okay). The parts came in this week and by Wednesday, we had AC again. The entire mood, morale, and work ethic has totally picked back up after a few nights of actual rest- something we had all forgotten after a month of 95-105 degree work environments and cabins. Although there are still lot’s of things to be fixed aboard this 55 year old vessel, she will be a great comfort to come home to in 8 weeks!
Prayer Requests:
- Cultural Adaptation and Outreach- living with families and then 12 of us together is going to be intense. Pray that we can acclimate quickly and really enjoy our time adjusting, and that we can be effective in ministering cross-culturally. As the team splits, there will be a lot of team dynamics to adjust to, and later re-adjust to on our way to South Africa, so just for smooth transitions and flexible emotions.
- For the families we will be living with, New Georgia United Methodist Church, and the ministries God leads our way to partner and work with. We just want to be a part of what God is stirring and doing here, and want our times to be effective as we seek to be learners within this culture, trainers in teaching, and friends to walk alongside. As we help to rebuild hope here in Liberia, pray for endurance and perseverance through spiritual attacks and times where we become weary from such emotionally draining work.
- Pray for our relationships, that we could continue to encourage, uplift and build up our team even as we are separated by physical distance, but also for relationships back home, etc- as we’ll be kind of- cut-off for 8 weeks.
- Colossians 3:17- And whatever you do or say, let it be as a representative of the Lord Jesus Christ… I just want to reflect only YOU Jesus!

Screening Day Thoughts, and my first patient released

2005-03-24T15:20:00.000-04:00

So, this might be my longest entry yet, but hang with me- God's been teaching me a LOT lately, breaking my heart over the condition of Liberia, the patients were seeing, and far too much else to possibly ittertate typing in a blog. So, Screening day was this past Saturday, and I had to come back and type out all my thoughts and feelings in order to even begin to deal with all that I saw. 800 people with tumors, cleft pallette's, and other horrific deformities that cause them to be shunned and ostrcized in society as outcasts. To reach out and love them is to truely be the hands and feet of Jesus to the least of these, the poor, the outcasts- and it took a toll on my heart for sure. Here's what I wrote out on Saturday:

Processing my thoughts on Screening Day- March 19th

Today was one of the most powerful yet emotionally draining days I have had here aboard the Anastasias yet. I’m going to try and attempt to put words to it all, but I’m not sure that I have even begun to process everything that I took in yet today, let alone be able to verbally or express it all in words. Today was the screening day in Liberia, and I was very blessed and very overwhelmed by everything that I took in. The physical needs that surrounded me, the last glimmer of hope in children and parents eyes… it was consuming. I met so many beautiful children, and only by the grace of God was I able to look past their horrific deformities and look them in their eyes and see this beautiful child held in physical bondage. My heart broke for every single one of them, and I had to leave three different times to go break down and cry in our break room. The first was because I met a little girl with a very African name that is still hard for me to pronounce, but something like Aurtouma, who was outside who didn’t have a pre-screening ticket. This meant that she had to wait to the very end of the day and if there was time, we might bee able to take a look at her tumor. Her mouth was protruding and exploding with a massive tumor on her roof and tongue that made 85% of her lips closed from the tumor growth. The tumor reached up to her eye and distorted her vision from the right side. I wanted so badly to do something, say something, have the gift of healing and just be able to touch her cheek and have it leave her. Instead, all I could off her was a piece of bread, a few stickers, a balloon and some bubbles. Once she actually made it into the line, I made every chance I could to go back with water for her and her mother, Alice. I think her mother appreciated my concern, but the little girl couldn’t even smile. I brought her forward later when there was a worship band playing, and sang worship songs over her as a prayer for her healing. I took her back to her mother after about 20 minutes of worship together, and after the line moved a few times again, I didn’t see them again- a pretty sure sign that we couldn’t help her after all and that she had to be dismissed.
Samuel was another little boy that I got to connect with- such a precious and beautiful child with the most beautiful glimmer of hope in his right eye, and clouded tumor over his left. I was so excited to see him on the outside of the line, thinking that he had gotten scheduled and we could operate. My huge smile and hug for him suddenly turned to tears when I realized that his mother was distraught at his side, and it dawned on me that they were waiting for the prayer line, not for the chance to go home and wait for surgery. My heart broke again for another little one that we could not save.
For so many people here, this was their last hope. To dwell on the things we can’t do is to completely negate all the amazing things that we can and will do in the next 90 days. It is still worth doing to even help a few, and it took man tears today to gain that perspective. I loved walking up and down the lines of people, learning the little one’s names and blowing bubbles at them, many of them seeing bubbles for the very first time today. Some got balloons, some stickers, some got to draw, and many got hugs and silly faces, and it was my goal to make each of them smile, even just once, before I would leave them. It didn’t seem like much, or at least enough, in the midst of all that they were enduring. Here they were facing this atrocity and deformity, and all I could offer were silly faces and tickle monsters, stickers and songs, hugs and kisses. I wanted fairy wand, I wanted Jesus’ hands of healing, and I wanted to offer them answers and hope. How do I even offer hope in a situation like today? “By the way, Jesus loves you, he didn’t want your war to happen or for these things to happen to you either, um, here, have some water…?” It seems so trite. So instead, I offered smiles and got excited with them as the lines grew closer to their turns.
When I left at 5, Emmett was still in line with his father. I first saw Emmett after my first breakdown cry, and decided to go outside to get some air. Instead, I met Emmett. He’s four years old and was born blind. Like Aurtouma, I ran back to him every time I had the chance. I tried blowing bubbles at him as my introduction, only to have the people around e tell me he was blind. After the rocky introduction, I just rubbed his back for a long time while we waited for his father to come back to the line. As he worked his way inside and through the line, I kept coming back to check on him and his father. Prince, his dad, has 5 children total. During the war, he was captured by the rebels and thrown in jail, and his wife presumed him dead. She moved to America with their four children, and eventually married a Nigerian man who also moved to the States. When he eventually was released several years ago, he got ahold of his wife only to find out she was now remarried and had moved on with her life thinking he had died in the war. I still couldn’t figure out who Emmett’s mother was, but he is the biggest hoe Prince has right now, and this was his last hope for his son’s sight. At only 4, Emmett attends the second grade at school and can beat some of the 10 and 12 year olds in his same class at spelling. Phenomenal kid. Anytime I would try to give him a cracker or water, he would tell me he wanted sausage instead. I laughed and told him we weren’t in Scotland kid, but I had a cracker for him instead. Not much of a comparable compromise, but you deal with what you get here. When I left he was still in line waiting to see the eye doctors for screening, and hopefully tonight someone will have information on if he’s coming to the ship or not.
Meg and I befriended a little boy named Prince who was a burn victim on his neck, shoulder and arms. Such a joyful and spunky little kid, who loved to horseplay and run around after his balloon on a string and chase after bubbles. He made the schedule and will be here in April sometime I believe- and we’ve already decided to go spoil that child rotten with love! Kamma was another little one that played up front with a balloon for hours on end, thinking it was the funniest game anyone had ever thought up. Even with so much going wrong and cards stacked against them, so many of these fragile kids had so much hope and spunk. Processing through all that I saw today and crying my eyes out and pleading for healing intercession was really good for me. I’ve learned recently that my compassionate heart can actually be used for something beneficial in the kingdom- God gives me a glimpse of how he sees and loves people and just that glimpse moves me to tears every time. This compassion in my heart and the way I break so easily can be used to intercede on their behalf, to stand in the gap for them, and it’s just a glimpse into the heart of God for hurting people. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and hurt God must see when he looks upon broken and hurting humanity. And this is just a small peek at the poor and hurting in Africa, so I can’t even begin to think about how God must hurt for those of us who live in comfort and never even think and pray about those less fortunate. How easy it is for me to see these things in the day and come back to the ship at night and have this need to be comfortable again. None of these people even have the option to turn to anything else to escape, and after being here for six months I get to escape even the cushy and pampered (in comparison to African standards- not western standards) ship to go back to my American ways of living life. I don’t know that I can leave them, I don’t know that I can escape these images and needs. I have no idea what I even have to offer them other than telling them about the greatest living hope anyone could ever know- the love of Jesus- but I have nothing else to give. Maybe that is why I am here though- to glance at the afflicted and offer them some comfort, and then come home and give a peek of this affliction to those who live in comfort.

As I thought about the differences between being docked in Benin and Liberia, I've found there are many differences here, especially in my burden to go out and love these people- I speak the language, I'll be here longer, and now I get to live out in commuity here for 2 months. So, these are my initial thoughts on Liberia, pre-research reportand data, just initial observations:

I thought Benin lived in poverty, and after coming to war-torn Liberia, I have found that Benin was a virtual prospering paradise compared to Monrovia. If the city had a make-over, it might resemble some coastal-city like San Francisco, with the hustle and bustle and buildings and development. Instead, the constructed buildings are tattered and lay in ruins from bullet holes and battles fought in the streets. There is such a anticipation of hope and healing for the future, but the entire country just feels like egg shells- so fragile, so ready to teeter-totter any direction at any moment. The people seem very stand-off-ish at first, but if you approach them and smile and ask them just a few questions, they beam with excitement. I think it must be due to the NGO’s and the UN being here- their military power and regal authority, but no humility to come in and learn or identify with the people- just an attitude to try to fix everything and band-aid the problems. That’s not the way the battle will be won here. It’s a little overwhelming that the country’s faith is actually in us right now though. There’s 16,000 troops stationed here with the UN, and 400 Anastasias crew. They thank us for coming, and see our arrival as the indication that their country is stable enough for help to finally arrive. 400 crew diversely skilled and trained for a variety of tasks compared with 16,000 troops trained for battle and war. Their hope lies with David instead of Goliath came to mind the other night as I was in prayer. The encouraging aside with this whisper from the Lord while praying seemed to be that David was on the Lord’s side- Goliath simply showed outer ability and strength. It’s not even that we’re working against each other, but just the approach we’re taking to try and help rebuild hope here in Liberia. The UN approach seems to be come in with guns and stand guard. Our approach even in the first week is ask questions, learn to identify, ask in prayer, seek the Lord and these people in humility as a learner and a fellow hurting but redeemed child of God- and see what thee Lord does through us by simply being obedient. Yes, there are skills that we will use, but it needs to be in areas that these people need to move forward in, not just military personnel to show power and clout. I’m still trying to figure out even what the needs here are- there are so many places to even begin- but the first and most prominent seems to be the need for training. Pastor Forbes made a great point this last week that with all the aid that has been sent to Africa, this should be the wealthiest and most successful continent. Instead, much of it lies in a developing war zone of chaos and distress, and he believes it all traces back to a lack of training. H believes these people don’t know how to move forward with their own resources, and have believed the lie (that we’ve usually fed them and made them believe) that they need our help and couldn’t grow on their own, that they aren’t smart enough or talented enough to succeed on their own because they don’t do things our way, think our way, believe like we do. What a dangerous trap and cycle to be caught in- so fatalistic and accepting of the ways things are, with such little desire to move forward to do something or make something of yourself, of your family, of your nation. And yet, if you’ve lived with 14 years of war, who’s to know anything else? Who’s to question the present and the future when there are no alternatives and no opportunities for change?
Jesus, what can I do, what can I give… how can help? Show me what I have to offer and how I can do that to connect these people with your living hope, your living truth that transform lives, families, nations… Will you show me what I can do to make a difference, to offer a change, to offer hope. How can I be of use here among these people in this time? How do you want to use me, how can I offer anything… I WANT TO BBE USED, I WANT YOU TO FLOW THROUGH ME AND FROM ME… I’m here for you to use- I’ve been obedient in following your call to be here- allow me to continue to be your hands and feet among these Liberian children. Raise up a generation of children who you will redeem their past and history of war, and use to proclaim how great you are instead. Jesus, be glorified here, among this ship, in our lives and our work, in this nation and these people. May they know why we are here and the hope that we cling to make it each and every day. Our lives may look different from where we come from, but our futures are nothing without you- even in prosperity or war-torn despair. Give me more opportunities to brighten people’s days with your grace and your love. Allow me to be a part of this redemption and revival of a people that need your healing in so many ways. I am grateful and thankful for the opportunity to even be a part of what you are wanting to do here. I count it a privilege to live for you and to proclaim your living grace in my daily walk with you.

Tonight (3/24), my first Liberian adopted patient was released. Christina is 2 years old (she'll be 3 in May), and she has a bulging eye tumor. She has two amazing and loving parents who can care for her, but it's super expensive to care for her tumor. They go to the hospital every day or every other, and it cost's between 25 and 125 USD each time they go- which is way more than what dad would make in a week probably. Our CT Scan machine is broken, so to go in and do surgery would be like attempting surgery blind- they would have no idea how far back and what other areas her tumor is affecting. After making it through two daysof screening, and three days of waiting for more news in the ward, they were officially told they wouldn't attempt surgery this time, and wait for the machine to be fixed in South Africa, so she can come back in November when the ship comes back and we can do her surgery then. It was so super hard to watch them in their discomfort and restless waiting game worry, not having answers and not understanding why we couldn't help. Last night her dad asked that if we could help Christina, if we could keep her here to care for her- since they can't afford to take her to the hospital anymore. We were their last hope. Fortunatly, this tumor isn't cancerous, and they don't think it will grow much more, so she should be safe and okay until we get back in November. It breaks my heart that we have to wait so long to help her, but I know what a horrible risk it would be to not use the machines and go in anyway. I'm grateful and thankful that she still ahs another chance when we gte back in November, and that she's even made it this far through screening and such, but it was still so hard the past few days to just cry with her parents and pray for a miracle somehow. We need this machine back up and running so more patients aren't turned away!! We need God to show u pin miraculous ways and heal even without the help of a surgeon! It can happen! Why don't I have that kind of faith? Why do I have to see to believe- why can't I just trust that God is more than able and watch these miraculous things happen before me? Maybe it's because I'm afraid to pray and even ask, afraid that if I ask and nothing happens, then I will turn people away from ever even trusting God or in His miraculous and supernatural power to heal. Why does my doubt hold me back from seeing more of the things others claim are unseen? Liberia is an amazing place- so much hope and yet so fragile... Jesus, show me where you are at work here and give me opportunities to continue to show your hope. I want to shine you through here- give me the perserverance to continue to be your hands and feet here- even through the heat, the sleeplessness nights, the endless hours among people and little time alone- Jesus, your grace is more than enough for me, and I will continue to praise you each and every day. I count it a privilege to be here right now serving you with this ship and in a country so ready to see you at work. I love you Jesus, use me here and be glorified in me and through me Lord.

No Need For Alarm...

2005-03-08T14:48:00.000-04:00

Sorry I can't send out a mass email to update- somehow I've lost half of the emails I have for everyone, so hopefully you can pass this on word of mouth and email for me to- but again- no need for alarm. We're Sailing to Liberia right now! So much fun! Thought I was going to be a little sea-sick, but I'm doing alright. The Air COn. broke again and that is what's getting to me the worst- the heat is really bad to concentrate on lectures and work and such- so add the sea-sick feeling and it's ship life? Right before we left port yesterday, we did a practice fire/muster drill in case anything should happen at sea. "Yeah right- like anything would happen" was my thought... and then... about 11pm we had a fire in our 2nd generator. The fire teams responded quickly and all is okay now- but we had to muster last night with our safety bags and life jackets and didn't have many details- so our first thoughts raced to- oh gosh, we're lost at sea in the life boats and it's going down in flames.. but God is good and we're all okay. The second generator is shot now, but that's all the fire affected, but that's why we have no air-con- and now our Engineers and deck hands are working twice as hard (as if directing a sail and fixing everything TO sail wasn't enough) and they're just so weary. A handful of them aren't Christians but are here helping to fix these engine problems- so I know even though this was an attack from the enemy, that God is wanting to show His Faithfulness to these men. Pray for our continued safety as we head to Liberia- we will arrive on Friday and then we have 98 days of ministry in this war-torn country. Everything I continue to find out about Liberia breaks my heart- so broken and so in need of hope. Pray that we continue to perservere under the heat and as we prepare for out outreach phase coming up in just a few weeks! I'll write more soon when I have mroe time and more details- but this outreach is going to be AMAZING! I lvoe you all and appreciate your prayers SO MUCH!! We are safe in the Lord's Hands and He is certainly here with this ship!!

February 20, 2005

2005-02-20T13:52:00.000-04:00

(Just an apology to begin if you're reading this- sorry I always publish so much at once! I don't get much time to get on the computer and update often, so when I do, it may seem overwhelming, sorry!) Prayer requests are at the bottom too- just an FYI!

I feel like there is so much I should write home about- sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in this bubble dream world where I don't hear about the lives of anyone back home and have no idea what is going on outside of the Anstasis, but when I actually get a moment to try and put into words all that I am thinking, feeling, processing, going-through, etc., I feel as though words hardly even begin to grasp what I am finding myself in the midst of here. I feel as though my mind is always in high gear, and when we do have "free time", all I want to do is sleep or chill and not have to "process" so much anymore. Our lectures have been very intense in this education phase of Segue. Week one was Dean Sherman on Spiritual warfare, and realizing that we are totally in Satan's backyard here in Benin. Week two was with Solfrid Quist and we talked about prayer, and I realized not only am I not a disciplined person, but I easily make excuses against actually following through with the discipline I know I need. I'm loving corporate prayer times here, but it's a struggle to find alone space to just escape to pray and be alone with the Lord. Solfrid definitely brought these areas to light, and so now it's a process of allowing myself to work that out into my life as I know it right now. Week three was interpersonal communication and living in community with Susan Parker and Monte Regier- two really great crew members that brought out a lot of issues we all need to work at as we live in such tight quarters together with all of us from different places and backgrounds. This past week was with Don Price, and was probably my favorite week of lectures so far. He just had a way of laying the foundation for missions that if you aren't completely loved by God and allowing your identity to come from Him alone, than you can't be effective in ministry and missions because Christ hasn't truly compelled and affected you. I know what it is to live in Grace theologically, and I know I have let that theology affect my life and actions, but so often I try and earn God's love like I have tried to prove myself, make myself worthy, and I'm driven to succeed by my perfectionist undertones. I love others because Christ first loved me, not because I become more worthy of His love by serving Him. He loves me simply because He loves me- no conditions, no terms, He just likes me- quirky nature and my lack of filters. Now, He doesn't want me to stay in the same place forever with Him, of course He wants me to grow closer to Him with time, but that's not where my value comes from. I hope this is all making sense. It's been really important for me to be aware of these things before entering field work in Liberia, and possibly if He leads- field work for the rest of my life- because these are things we so often brush past or overlook- or even call Holy Pursuits to try and earn our love and serve to prove to God that we can do more to deserve His grace. I think a lot of what this season has been for me is just refining of the way I perceive my approach to life and to situations around me- to ask the questions I haven't wanted to answer and to really wrestle about things. OH! Cool philosophical answer from two weeks ago! I was reading the Pursuit of God (by A.W.Tozer- soooo good!) for a book report, and I've always struggled with the idea that God is unchanging. I mean, He's God- if He wants to change- what's stopping Him? So even though I hadn't made this 'doubt' or idea vocalized to say- hey- I doubt this- it's always been in the back of my mind. Tozer put it so eloquently! For God to change would mean that He has to become better or worse. To become better, He becomes better than perfect meaning He wasn't perfect before or that there's a level beyond perfection, something better than God himself. For God to become worse or less than perfect, means that He becomes less than God and negates His divine character and nature. God can't change and is unchanging because of His Perfect Holiness. AH! so cool! The other cool refinement story- Missy (my cabin mate) and I really struggled with the idea that God had hardened Pharaoh’s heart in the early chapters of Exodus. How could a loving God hardened a heart? The answers people we sought out made sense, that it was the most loving thing God could do for His people of Israel in the long run, or that Pharaoh had already turned his own heart and therefore God was jsut doing that which He knew to already be true of Pharaoh’s heart. We still weren't convinced. Without even knowing this was something we had wrestled with, Don Price brought this idea up in one of the lectures this week, and it was all we could do from crying of joy for answered prayer and laughing for the amazing ways God brings up ideas and wrestling issues only to turn around unexpectedly and answer them! The Ten plagues were all Egyptian Gods! They believed there were power and authority within each of the things that God sent plagues against! So, when the plagues come, God is simply showing His power against these things that the Egyptian gods had no power and that He was BIGGER! so cool! Those are just two of the cool things I've learned. When I was talking with Jen this week (cabin-mate) we were processing how we haven't really believed that God could actually like us and want to be 'our friend'. We've had such warped misconceptions of what "Love" is all about, so to picture perfect love without conditions of being good-enough and smart enough, etc is just so out there sometimes. All of a sudden this thought came to mind and out my mouth- and before I had registered what I was saying I began to realize it was a profound message and probably not from my own intelligence. “By allowing yourself to be loved as you are with all of your inadequacies and short-comings, you allow yourself to give room to God’s Spirit to make you who He desires and designed you to BE”. Whether that's a word from the Lord or just something I had hidden deep in my subconscious, I'm not sure, but I'm still grappling with the magnitude of just allowing myself to be loved and giving that love from the Father to others- not the love that can come from myself because that has no lasting and eternal value. It's all about HIM. yeah, so that's what I'm processing through this week. Sorry there's not more- 'Oh, I loved on these kids and they now love Jesus too' kinds of stories, but more of those will come soon! Oh, I'm including my write-up from last weekend about going to the orphanage again and watching the Lion King in French with them. As soon as I figure out how to upload pics- you'll get to see me dancing with these beautiful little ones! AH! so cute!

Orphanage Visit Number Two:
I loved returning and seeing familiar smiles- that was just such an amazing feeling. We watched the Lion King movie (in French), colored pictures, and told the creation story to them as a short little lesson. They were so precious watching that film- and I am sure there were many identifying feelings with Simba as his father dies towards the beginning. Many of the younger kids became bored with the film after awhile, so a few of us played their dancing games with them again, which is just the cutest thing I have seen from African children yet. The way they wiggle and shake their hips… the memory will make me smile until I am old and gray. (Also- they got enough money for the 5 who couldn't go to school anymore to go back and two sewing machines! Praise the Lord! He is so good!)

I'm including some of Don Price's quotes in this update because he was really good and I really enjoyed learning from him!

Things I have loved hearing this week from Don Price:
* Be the person He created you to be to make Jesus attractive through our lives.
* Integrity is an integration of what I believe made whole with how I act.
* Personality is inherited by nature, but character is what you do with your personality.
* Conviction is the most loving thing he can do to build your character- it’s showing you things that aren’t building you up.
* Humility is an attitude of willingness to be known for who you really are.
* Forgiveness releases you from the prison of the sins of others.
* Humility isn’t just about acknowledging the negative things about you- that’s only 50% of you. It takes as much humility to acknowledge the good of who I am- humility tells the truth and agrees with God.
* You do not have victory over darkness by cursing the darkness- you have victory by turning on the light!
* Missions is a means (not an end) to God being glorified.
* Understanding the Love of the Father- Revelation and hearing, Identity as ‘Child of God’, Source of self-worth.
* God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
* Adoption simply means acceptance.
* You have to do more than just prayer, but not before you pray.
* God will never give so much guidance that we don’t still need faith.
* Every culture is prepared for the Gospel and the Gospel is prepared for every culture.
* My area of influence is determined by the perimeter of my prayers.
* Daniel in the Lion’s Den- the presence of God was so thick that the hungry lion’s couldn’t even open their mouths!
* Your call is to be a full-time Christian. Be used to redeem the spheres of humanity. Be open to that calling and destiny that He wants to use you and manifest that call in your life.

Prayer Requests:
*We're running on 2 half generators, and should be running on 4 full generators! We can't sail until they are fixed, and the ship has had to cancel the 4 day break they had scheduled in Ghana on our way to Liberia already. The boiler has had issues and we only have hot water at some times, and the air conditioning is broken so we're a sitting metal box on the equator. it's so very warm and fans are few and far between, so there's a lot of uncomfortable and irritable missionaries living on top of each other and sweating profusely. Pray that not only do these engine issues get fixed, but for everyone's attitude's and comfort to be relaxed until that happens. Everyone's pretty weary, so we need some rest before the outreach in Liberia.
*Mama Mary and her orphans are doing well, but there are still so many things to pray for- like more staff, more money, more food, and protection for them from those who are jealous of the help Mercy Ships has given them so they won't get robbed or attacked for the little we could give them.
*Our Segue team has had to endure a lot of strategic attacks from the enemy- all of us have gotten sick to some varying degree at different times- from dehydration to throwing up and anything in between. Pray that we can keep encouraging each other as we learn and process life in community together and deal with culture shock still, as well as the conflicts that come up living this close and dealing with such heavy lecture material and work loads. Many teammates have been receiving bad news from home like sick and dying family members, and Alison is leaving tonight to fly back to the UK for her grandmother's funeral. As we continue seeking the Lord, pray for our protection and to persevere together under all the trials!

Thank you for praying for me and with me- know that I miss you all so much and wish that I had more time to update you all individually and hear how you're doing! Keep emailing me with updates and know that even if I can't respond immediately, I am praying for you and I do get a little bit of time to read thorugh what you send! I love you and miss you very much!!

My first trip to the Orphanage :)

2005-02-06T06:31:00.000-04:00

Jesus is so amazing. I went into town yesterday (Sat.) to the market with Sheyrl, Amy Williams, and Juliet to the market since Juliet hadn't been yet and of course, by now, I'm on a first name basis with half the vendors and know the hot spots :) So, after walking around for two hours to get mangos and flip-flops for the shower for Gareth, we headed back to the ship. Going to the market usually wears me out pretty fast, since the heat and all the people can be overwhelming, even for an extravert like myself. When I arrived back at the ship, we were supposed to leave for the Marina Pool for the afternoon for some much needed R&R, but I suddenly felt extremly ill, very heat-exhausted, and the beginnings of a migraine. Needless to say, going to sit at a pool was suddenly not a priority for the afternoon. So, I decided to stay in bed with the vents blowing on me and try to sleep off the headache (the AC was down too, so it wasn't the most peaceful rest either!) So, I slept for about an hour, and woke up to an announcement about two open spots for the orphanage trip that afternoon. I quickly dismissed the idea thinking I couldn't possibly have the stength to go- and then Jen (my roommate) reminded me that this is why I came to Africa- and God would give me the strength. We threw on bandana's and a skirt, and headed down to reception to leave with the team already in the landrover. We headed out to Living Waters Orphange on the other side of the city, but I don't think much could have prepared me for what my heart was about witness. The orphanage is run by Mama Mary, who has diabetes and some other disease that has left her very week and almost crippled from the pain. She is the only one who really looks after all the kids, 28 in all right now, plus neighborrhood children that come over to play, especially when the Yovo's arrive (yovo= white person- you hear this word a lot while walking the streets). She pays to feed and house the children, and send them to school out of her pension/retirement money. She cannot afford other help to pay to work, so there are a few volunteers to come help out throughout the week, but for the most part, the older children look after the younger one's by putting them down for naps and such. There are three children to a bed- a frame and mattress but no bedding- if they are younger and the older one's share 2 to a bed. There's not always enough food to go around either. There are no toys, no furniture, so playground equipment- nothing but a few mats and the dirt that drifts all over. There is no running water because mama mary couldn't afford to pay it anymore- and I dont think there is electricity either. There are no items or objects to fight over or try to divide and share- they have nothing to their names. Most either have a shirt or pants, but usually not both. The older girls usually had dresses, and were very proud of them. One of the girls, Romaine- probably about 5 or 6, had jsut been adopted by a couple from France. Her adopted mother was Beninese (from Benin) and married a French man, moved their, and are in the process of paper work to get her to come to France. This is kind-of the "ghetto" orphangage, so not many kids here will even have the chance to be adopted, as the other orphanages in town have a bit better facilities and networking to get these children new homes. To give them gifts or money makes them an easy target as well for robbery, since the neighboorhood knows we have been there and will probably have given gifts. We have decided to give them moeny to get 5 of the children (who were forced to drop-out from school because they didn't have the fee to attend) money to attend for the rest of the year by depositing the money stright to her bank account so it can't be stolen by neighboors. They also got bikes so they can ride the 45 minutes it takes to go to school and now be on time. Mama Mary aslo asked for a sewing machine so she could make clothes for the kids and teach the girls to sew, so they can have a way of making an income once they leave the orphanage in a few years.
We got to make shakers with them- plates with construction paper and markers and such- like tamberines- to make music and praise Jesus with worship music. They learned how to sings YES, JESUS LOVES ME and with the sign-language. They taught it back to us in French- SOOOOOO CUTE! THen we played games with them- with dances and kids int he middle of the circle challenging other kids to a dance off- kind of like our version little Sally walker from camp games- and these little 3 and 4 year olds can shake what their mama gave them better than Beyonce herself. They were AMAZING little dancers! They challenged me a few times, and thought I was hilarious doing my little booty shake dance. They especially enjoyed Drew, a guy from the UK, dancing in the middle- nothing like a Brit trying to dance African- truely a SIGHT! They were just so joyful- even the youngest- about a year an a half- was clapping and smiling and giggling to Jesus while singing worship songs. Truely gives a new meaning to having CHILD-LIKE faith. These children have NOTHING and yet have Hope in Jesus. And I come from having nothing and lose that hope so easily. I am so in love with this orphanage and these beautiful children. They didn't care who you were, they just wanted to be held, even though I was covered in sweat and other kids drool and snot. To say thank you, Mama Mary hands out a soda to every helper- 9 of us in all- and to say no to the offering is a very rude insult. The children don't get one and she doesn't take one for herself- but you know that the children could have probably all eatten another meal for what it cost to give us a treat. It's heart-wrenching and the guiltiest feeling drinking in front of them- but they want so badly for you to enjoy it. There is nothing like holding a child and squeeing them tight, praying words of Life and Truth over them, and knowing that this might be the only affection they receive for quite some time with the shortage of help around the place. Mama Mary tries so hard and totally has a pure heart of Gold- to spend all of her retirement money on all these children who aren't even her own- but she can't possibly do it on her own. I have decided to use some of the funds I brought that actually put me over my fund-raising goal to help them out. I've told my boss Shawn from Human Resources (that's my work duty here on MWF afternoons) that I want to go with her when she goes shopping for food and bolts of fabric for the children to simply be invovlved in any way that I can. Since I just filled in open spots this past weekend there is not guarantee that I could go again next weekend, but I'm going to try and pull any strings to go back again. We only have 2 more weeks left there and we can only go on saturday afternoons with the way our schedules work out, but it is more than well worth it. This experience just continued to confirm Jesus' call on my life to love the fatherless and the opressed. I don't know how or what that is going to look like, but all I could do was choke and hold back tears on our drive home. Jesus has blessed me with so much that quite frankly, I take for granted. My parents and loving family, supporters who raised up and got me here, an education and anything I could ever want or need in the States- and these kids haven't even seen pictures that represent the kind of life I lived before coming to their "home". Cement floors and walls that were jsut painted by a team yesterday is the highlight of the house right now. Oh, and those shakers that we made? They were filled with rice- and once the kids realized it, they emptied out their crafts and poured the rice in a pot and fed the other kids who hadn't gotten to eat lunch that day. They would rather sacrifice their only music-making posessions- one of the only things they could call "mine" and eat instead. survival and sacrifice. I'm still really processing what happened yesterday- how was it that there were two open spots for Jen and I to go- they're ususally booked and Segue students very rarely have the chance to go. I got sick and couldn't go swimming- couldn't go "rest" on my day-off. And instead- got to go love on these beautiful children so hungry for love and attention that even the neighboor children come in droves just to play and sing for the afternoon. War-torn Liberia will be even worse I am told, since so many of the children's parent's have been killed in the fighting and children are literally just wandering the streets and the lucky one's end up in orphanages. If yesterday was a more sophisticated oprhange- the lucky kids- I can't imagine what is going to happen to my heart when I get to play with the street kids in Liberia. Pray for strength- even with my gift of compassion and live- I came back so heart-broken and sad yesterday. I just want to live there- be their mother and see these kids grow and learn and have a chance at getting an education or making something of their lives. Why don't they get a chance and I get anything and everything? Why am I here and how can I help? Needless to say- my heart is still processing a LOT right now. In our two weeks lieft in Benin, I want to help in any way I can- to be used to the best of my abilieites here and to have more opprotunities to go back and help. Pray that I can go back to living waters- to pray with Mama Mary for strength- physical, emotional, and spiritual strength- and for more help to come for her. Jesus, I want YOUR heart for these children- and I want to see them helped, see them able to grow closer to you, somehow able to see you at work in their lives even more. Bless them Jesus, be their provision and give them your eternal hope.

Second Update, Jan 23 2005

2005-01-23T12:09:00.000-04:00

We have had an amazing week of Orientation together. It's Sunday, one of the more laid back days aboard the ship, but much has happened in the last week. I feel like there is so much I could share, so I'm not sure where to begin really. Hopefully later I will be able to upload some pictures for those of you who need visual references to what all I'm talking about.
We left Wednesday on Retreat together to a place called Grand PoPo, one of the most beautiful places I've seen in Benin yet, but rather touristy at the place we stayed. To describe it would seem like we were on some exotic island, which it felt like some of the time as we got to have cokes at a Tiki Bar on the beach and staying in cabanas with mosquito's nets. A common phrase was- can you believe we're actually here? And This doesn't even seem real- like we should be hard at work instead of playing games together. We realized that we needed to gel as a team to trust each other and be vulnerable together before we could go into the heart of Africa and do work together, or even dialogue together in classes over the cultural and spiritual material we are about to dive into tomorrow morning. Often time the retreat felt as though they pampering us up to be like the fattened calves before the slaughter and sacrifice, especially when thinking ahead to the grueling work about to take place in Liberia in just a few months. It was awesome to do some of the trust and logistical tasks together in 3 teams of 8 each, where we had to learn to communicate and overcome obstacles in many different ways. We also got to hear and share our stories with each other, and we have such a variety of teammates. Lot's of pastor's kids and then lot's of people who came to know the Lord after much rebellion and snatched into the grip of grace. I loved the differences in our stories and how God was just the center of each story. I've come to appreciate each team member in a new way after competing together and listening to "When Jesus became more than a word to you". Powerful testimonies of God's provision, grace, protection and His Mysterious ways of working behind the scenes. We may be an eclectic bunch, but I know more than ever that the Lord has brought us together for a much greater purpose than any of us as individuals could imagine or figure out right now.
We start classes tomorrow, and I'm excited to learn again and be challenged intellectually and spiritually. That's one of the biggest things I think I miss about college, that constant dialogue and wrestling with questions that make me sharper and point me closer to Christ. I'm sure there will be much more of that to come in the next 12 weeks for sure. Dean Sherman is aboard the ship, our teacher for the next week, but I have yet to meet him or see him.
My teammates have all been battling many ailments. My roommate Missy got a really bad case of diarrhea while we were away, and couldn't participate in games the second day because she was too ill to get out of bed. The night we got bad, another cabin mate- Charis- was up all night dehydrated, throwing up, and having diarrhea. She was admitted to the Ward downstairs to get rehydration treatments by shot because it was so bad. I came down with a migraine late last night and into this morning, so our cabin was a mess this morning, but God is allowing each of us to rest right now and gain our strength for our first week of course work and work duties. I have been assigned to the Department of Human Resources, so it sounds like I will be doing some computer work and filing, but I am the only person in that department from our Segue team, so I'm sure I will learn a lot. The rest of our team is in the Galley (kitchen duty), Deck (painting and such), hospitality, housekeeping, and a few other miscellaneous places. It should be interesting having MWF afternoon's helping out around the ship in these places. Tuesday and Thursday afternoons will be our prayer and discussion group times, and the mornings are our times in the classroom. This will all change after the first 12 weeks when we transition into our field work and language learning phase.
I wish I could detail out all that God is teaching me and more about each of the people I am learning to love more and more aboard the ship. We had ship open house today as well, where 4 families opened their cabins to us to get to know them better, making us goodies (YUM) and getting some quality conversations about their lives and how God has worked in each of them to get them to a floating hospital ship! We got to play some games as well- ever so entertaining as well. The Lizbovski's were from Latvia (near Russia) and have been here 10 years, raising their daughter Naomi aboard the ship and pregnant with their second child. Beth and Jonny Cook were SO cute and fun, a retired couple from South Africa who are so in love with each other, and he is on the outreach team and she is the Academy librarian (for school kids aboard the ship). Lisa and Don Wolven have two kids aboard the ship, 13 and 10, and have been here almost two years this summer. They are transferring to headquarters in Texas then though so he can further develop the safety and security system's aboard, so that would be an interesting changes as well! The 4th couple was totally fun as well- Tracy and James Haworth. She's a supervisor nurse in the ward, and he works in communications. He also gave our talk this evening at the Sunday night worship service- and it really made me think a lot. What if the commandment to love our enemies wasn't focused on the action or duty to love them, but was simply a command to feel genuine emotion for others, to really simply just love them with the sincere love that Christ loved us with? There was obviously a whole lot more to it, but the thoughts challenged me a lot and have made me process through some things already. From that genuine love would automatically come action, but it would be genuine love and not just dutiful action to others... that's pretty deep contemplative stuff. There's a lot more I wish I could describe about life in West Africa, what I'm learning and what God is stirring in my heart, how He is blessing me so much with this team, and so many other things- I'm even wearing a skirt today and I'm excited about feeling feminine! I mean, if God isn't changing my heart there- WHEW! :) I'll try and keep everyone posted as things come in and continue working in my life! I love and miss you all!

Africa Update Numero Uno

2005-01-16T12:46:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know the title was in Spanish, I just don't know how to say much in French yet, but my UK accent is getting much better. I tried emailing everyone yesterday, but it didn't work, so this is day two's update with the text of the email draft with it :)
Day One(should have been the email- but it didn't go through!)
well, Seven years of burdening prayer and i am finally here: Africa. it was past midnight when I arived aboard last night, and about 2;30 before we could sleep since there were forms to fill out and such. two days without sleep, two flights, two long airport waits, and a very chaotic and hot arrival was met with land rovers to take us to the ship. the streets of cotonou were lined with palm trees on the stretch from the airport to the port, but not anywhere else really. there are very parse and sketch-work frames just outside the port, but that's all of the city I have seen thus far. my cabin has two port holes and there are 4 of us ladies in there- 3 american's (me, Missy and Jen) and a scotland girl named Charish- I love the UK girls and i'm trying to pick up an accent already. the ship truely is a maze- it takes two or three flights of stairs- in both directions, to get anywhere. many times you have to walk up, over, around, back down and through another room just to find a bathroom- so that's entertaining. the segue staff (my course school staff) are adorable- so excited we're here with them and we're all anxious to learn. I feel very at home already and already feel like i know some of these girls and have a connection with them and we're only each other over 24 hours already- beautiful hearts. there are 20 girls and three boys- so funny. one married couple trapped in paris for 2 days until the next flight, and the only non-american/uk/candadian is a boy named rockey from korea. and i'm not even close to the oldest, quite in the middle actually, and many of us have uttered 'not really sure why I'm here, or why africa, or what god is doing in my heart, or what my life looks like because or after this tri'. so nice to be in the company of others who are simply trying to figure out WHAT GOD IS UP TO! He is so at work here- and I'm excited to see the why's and how's of how he's going to work. I'll send some pictures later- we have team building stuff this week and not really sure what the schedule looks like or how things work with all that- but more details to come later. I just wanted everyone to know I arrived safe, things are great, and God is already working to reassure me that He is working in me and through me already- totally exceeding expectations! thank you all for your prayers! keep me updated on things back in the states- and if there should be other people on the list and such, let me know! your encouraging letters and presents, prayers and support have meant SO much in getting me thus far- and will only continue to keep me encouraged as I seek HIM in this. oh yeah- pretty extensive reading list and a well stocked library of classic reads on missions and Jesus, and a coffee bar that's open every few nights- love it already! I'm off to do a team building game! My prayers are with you all back home! love ya'll!

Day two was AMAZING so far (it's only dinner). Woke up, had breakfast/packed lunch (lunch is served on the weekends so you pack for later). 14 of the 21 team member's present (two still trapped in Paris) went into town to find an adventure, and YES WE FOUND SOME! Poverty beyond anything I could have imagined, and we were in an okay part of town- sad to think it gets worse. Houses built on top of trash and the family pigs and chickens eatting from the scrap piles the houses are set on was one of the saddest sights of the day. We went through a market, selling everything from DVD's to live chicken's to produce, dresses next to the stand with freshly butchered meat. 'It's not weird, it's just different'... to see animals with their heads still on but their skin not.. hacking into it with a butcher knife and for sale as is... couldn't eat meat for dinner tonight just because of the sight. That probably doesn't even make sense to read, but maybe somtime I'll get to take a picture and send it of the market. The children are FABULOUS- all will respond 'Bonjour' and many want to touch your hand. we got to play on the beach (littered with trash) in the sand with these 5 little boys. The most outgoing one shook each person's hand and made sure each of us were greeted. Shana asked if she could take a picture, and two of them hugged for a shot. Once they could see the digital image of themselves, they squeeled and were so excited, so the rest of them posed for a shot, and then they we're all pretending to be warrior ninja's or soemthing and doing what all little boys do best- having a blast being the center of attention. As we walked further up the beach, we noticed many (20-25?) men trying to pull a fishing boat out of the water- one of the largest on the beach, probably 50? feet in length? One man motioned for us to help, so we (yes, about 9 girls in skirts and the 2 boys) grabbed ahold of the rope and started yanking this ship out of the water, getting covered in sand and having several of the local women laughing at us. It probably wasn't a duty for women to help with in hindsight, but for the second day, I plead cultual ignorance... We had a scavenger hunt to find our way around the ship better, and Hilary, Megan and I won! We had an ice cream social whenwe got back with fresh mango's and watermellon for the ice cream as well- and we won a gift certificate to the snack bar on the Aft deck (where the sports courts are). I met a boy there named Tony who went to Taylor! He know's a bunch of people I know- from Taylor and Spring Hill actually- so I almost cried feeling like I had a little piece of home here on the ship with me! He know's my friends and Ivanhoes Ice Cream! AH! Thank you!!

I love learning about their culture though- absolutely fascintaing. This is where Voodoo began and traces it's roots home to actually, so still many witchcraft spiritual ties here. Only 6 days ago they celebrated a national festival of witchcraft actually, just 4 days before we arrived aboard! Jesus is doing SO much in my heart, as well as within the team to bond us together. It's been such a blessing to share our stories with each other- how God called each of us here and then PROVIDED abundantly in so many blessings! I love learning from our Segue staff already- they're so neat and jsut have a lot of diverse wisdom about the Lord, culture, and life. Every time I get to reading Scripture, I see more and more the call to reach out to the broken-hearted and poor in spirit and how that is just such a central theme of redemption and grace throughout the story of the Old Testament and the Gospel totally proclaims triumph freedom in grace and faith for the humbled. It's going to be amazing to see hwo living in a new culture and being aboard the ship with so many different nationalities coming together brings the Gospel out in so many awesome and unique ways.... I can't believe I haven't even been aboard 48 hours yet- so much has happened already and I just adore my team- and we haven't really even started orientation yet! AHHHHHH! Prayer? I want to be with patients soon (there's an adopt a patient sign-up thing) and get to know people from West Africa (there's my quality time love language coming out!) and I don't want to become comfortable and complacent within the fellowship and friendship of ship life. These people are amazing- we're going to be great friends- but my heart is for Africa and I don't want to miss the opportunities God could do in me and through me because I''m comforable aboard and not out in the community as much as I would like to be. I do have to remember that these first few months are meant to prepare and equip, and I'll be living in Liberia in just a few months, so I guess I need to learn the balance. I also want the Word to become so alive and fresh- just a deep yearning and longing to hear His voice speak when I am in my Bible and to hunger after that time more and more!

How to even describe...

2005-01-06T02:57:00.000-04:00

So, the past few weeks, mush man, mush. What a blur- I have a week until I leave, how is that possible? From a crazy whirlwind of leaving the office I worked at for a year, Christmas parties, then my birthday ending the evening feeding homeless men at WhiteCastle, New Year's worshiped in with friends, and a week of coffee dates and goodbyes over ice cream... who knew leaving was going to be this hard on the one hand and such freedom on the other. I am beyond a roller coaster of emotions that can only be compared with some sort of turbulent pregnancy or some sit-com funeral. People talk as though that's where I'm going, my own funeral- "you'll be in a better place" or "you're not ending a chapter but beginning a new season"... and my emotions go from laughter to tears in the same sentence. It's late, I have so much on my mind, and I'm yawning from exhaustion of driving around town all week and heartfelt "see-you-later-probably-August"'s over and over. Yet before I crash and cuddle with some 2 Corinthians and probably Isaiah, my mind is whirling with one constant thought- what if I had lived every day in the last 24 years as I have the last 3 weeks- with this courageous boldness that comes in the freedom of, welp, leaving and might not see this person until heaven, just wanted you to know that I feel_________ about you and really treasure ____ about you and want you to remember_____ (Jesus loves you without condition; His grace is true freedom; you need to quit running and simply accept HIS GRACE...etc). how would life be different if what I have been allowing God to be doing through me for the last month be my all the time... not just because I may not see these people again. What if that was always my driving motivation- allowing Jesus to work through me as if this was my last day on Earth and chucking the idea that it's a system of surival of the fittest and rankings of who's better and he-who-wins-has-the-most-stuff. The freedom I have found in simply letting go of my grasp on STUFF and letting HIM take up residency in those voids...wow, and how much stronger that passion is going to get simply living amongst "the least of these".... that's what's on my brain... I'm off to ponder Jason Upton's words on poverty now as I read Isaih and 2 Corinthians... much love....

Photo Album

2004-12-13T16:48:00.000-04:00

This is my newest Photo Album of people I love that I'm leaving behind! it's not even near completed yet, but it's a start! :)

Seek Justice: Global AIDS Crisis

2004-10-12T09:15:00.000-04:00

This site is great for statistics and such about the AIDS pandemic in global proportions, plus, you can write your senators and ask for congressional backing for relief! Seek Justice: Global AIDS Crisis

Sarah McLachlan

2004-10-11T16:26:00.000-04:00

Watch this video for Worl on Fire- caution- might make you cry...Sarah McLachlan

Less like SCARS

2004-10-04T12:10:00.000-04:00

I've needed healing lately, and deliverance came last night. If you know my heart, you know those aren't terms I use lightly or commonly, but it's the truth. Satan's attack's have been more clever lately, and really low blows to my emotional heart. Breakdown, or breakthrough, came late last night in the car with Tara. It's been heard to process lately that 5 of my closest friends are moving to Boulder to plant a church- something I could have easily jumped aboard with, and I can't understand sometimes why I'm not called to go too. It has been incredibly hard to watch some of the closest people in my life join together in common vision and directio to watch them prepare for God's purposes together, as I prepare for an entirely different ministry and journey on the other side of the world- all by myself. Release. Abandon. Surrender. Satan's lies come in the form of feeling replaced and forgotten, and although they are lies from the pit of Hell itself, it doesn't mean they don't eat away at my soul and make me think. Through the lies came a breakthrough of discovery in connfession of these feelings and their source last night with Tara in the car on the way home from having wings after church. To be vulnerable with the attacks and allow someone to see inside the fears, the thoughts that I don't know if I'm strong enough for this task, that I'm sccared of an emotional breakdown within the surrender of 6 months within such a different context. It might usually feel like an adventure, but the reality of fear and what I could encounter- or even worse, what He might call me to, has been really taking a toll in my thoughts and my prayers lately. I needed to release alll of that last night, and Tara simply held me as I cried over the things that I'm mulling over. This morning at work I've been listening to Sara Groves- who often sings my heart (Yes, I connect in my soul with music in case you haven't noticed). The scars of my past are redeemed, and God wants to use even the scars of my past to minister His grace into the World. Less like fear, less like an ending.... And I feel you here... And you're picking up the pieces...Forever faithful...It seemed out of my hands a bad situation...But you are able...And in your hands the pain and hurt...look less like scars...
Sara Groves Lyrics

The other less dramatic thought procss spiral that seems to be ever present lately is the idea of choosing God in His presence and cherishing this season of singleness as a joy and a present to spend with Him, and not a punishment of a season of loneliness. I want to take every moment that He gives me to spend within His Glory, within His Hope, within His Grace... It's a tug-of-war between loving this season of discovery in learning so much and the desire I do have within to love someone and open myself up to the vulnerability of being known and loved in return. The song Every Moment came on this morning, and almost moved me to tears. My spending time with the Lord lately is a risk of self-discovery, He's revealing so much in His Word and so much about myself- and I'm caught between these desires of being within Him alone in a chosen season of celibacy to simply be complete in Him, and the desires of wanting someone by my side to challenge and grow with. Why can't it be both? "You have taught me to slow down".. that's been one of the hardest lessons lately- to know that I am simply loved because He loves me, His grace is what sets me free to be me, to be who He has created me to be and that He delights in who I am... and never because of anything that I do. Not because I work with Student Venture girls, or because I'll be in Africa, or for any other ministry I can do- not even for my prayer life or my time in His Word- never for anything I do but simply because He loves because that's who He is. Jesus, continue to draw me into your presence and show me who you are, show me who I am in you. Give me the discernment and discovery to learn to be content in the simplicity of your love and the complexity of your desires for my life surrendered into your hands. Shape my life to simply be lived to bring you glory, in whatever capacity you choose- and allow my heart to be content in that alone. Mold my heart to love and reach out life you long to do through me in complete abandon to you.

Disturbing and unsettling in my soul...

2004-09-29T17:02:00.000-04:00

I'm greatly troubled with an email I just received from a friend in my growth group, Rachel, who was the one who's already been in Africa with Mercy Ships. This is an email that one of the orphanage pastors sent to Rachel.. and it broke my heart the despair that some of these orphanages are in... and it's beginning to set in that this is going to be reality for me in just a few short months. Children are dying from simple things, and I sit here in my comfortable American house with my comfortable American car and salary and abundance of everything materially desired... I can't help but think I'm missing out on the greater workings of the Kingdom of God moving among the least of these. Will my heart be ready for the desperation of poverty among those in Africa? Will my emotional heart be broken at the sight of their need, and the reminder of all the things I left in storage just waiting for my return? Will I ever even want to come back to the states once I see cultures that live free from the strangles of materialism as their greatest idols and are free to love and serve from their hearts even admist their poverty? In the last few months, the words of Mark 12:41-44 have rung in my head over and over... especially when fancy cars pass me on the freeway or when I walk by stores in the mall where all the famous maker labels cost so much for the name, and they're made in a swaet shop somewhere... "Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty, put in everything--all she had to live on."
...and all the while, I'm afraid to even say anything to my friends or family about how I really feel with these thoughts or feelings because they'll think I'm just on this week's soapbox, all the while missing the fact that maybe God wants to mobilize our hearts and respond to the very things that break His heart for those in need. Not jsut monetary need, but need for food, clothing, shelter, but most of all, Jesus' love and grace... These are real children that are being overlooked, not just some trite saying about "oh, and we pray for the starving kids in Africa"...
...and then I turn around and I go get a latte and another new black swaeter?... LORD! I want to be there now... I want to do something, I hate feeling helpless! What can I do with these needs and stay here among this stifling apathy in a sea of materialism and consumerism, of which I am the cheiftist Queen of desiring and wanting and claiming that I need... lusting for that which isn't already contained in my wallet or my closet... and then I get an email like this, and can't help but weep for the things that I pass over so easily, dismissing them so quickly, prayers tossed into the heavens while shopping to my hearts content- which it never will be if I'm searching for that contentment within the things of this life- and can only be found in Him alone.... so after the LONG intro.. here's the emnail that got me so worked up...

Dear Rachel,

We  are very pleased indeed to express our profound thanks and appreciations  for your love and condolence message to the orphanage. Really, hardship has worsen in the orphanage and the greatest problem was lack of food for the children. However, most of the children had lost weight and were anemic due to starvation. Alas, an out break of  bloody  diarrhoea killed the two little children. This sickness affected 28  children  but there were no funds to send our sick children to hospital and the two could not survive the pain and sadly passed away. Also, we have been infected by bed bug parasites  which depend on human blood for their survival and they have spread so  much that most of the children now sleep on the bare floors of the orphanage dormitories trying to flee, etc. Bed bug bites are very painful and have caused a lot of scabies on the children's skins.

Really, the present situation put's our faith to test; considering the deep psychological wounds these little children already carry and for these same  children to be exposed to acute  sufferings from a fate worse than an animal. We  usually wonder why  the Lord permit such things to happen to helpless babies and children. Last month also, one of the girls attempted to commit suicide. She took a nylon cord  and tied her neck and bade farewell to her friends and forced to strangle her neck to death. It were the loud cries that forced us to rush in the girls dormitory when we met this problem. The girl (Fatmata Waganeh) stated she prefer to die now because her sufferings are too much and prefer death. It's terrible!

Rachel, it's  difficult to explain the extent of child sufferings in the orphanage when most times they can only get a single meal of poor quality food per day for survival. It is even over a month now the children sleep in the orphanage in tottal darkness; no light at all. However, we face this challenge of weather the Lord will continue to protect the existence and happiness of these orphans to adulthood? May God bless you.

Mars Hill - a Jesus Community

2004-09-24T15:30:00.000-04:00

Rob Bell is one of my favorite preachers- and His sermons are always so encouraging! Mars Hill - a Jesus Community

World Vision - HIV AIDS - Princess Zulu's Biography

2004-09-24T15:29:00.000-04:00

This woman is an amazing warrior fighting the fight against AIDS for Christ! World Vision - HIV AIDS - Princess Zulu's Biography

I love my church!

2004-09-23T16:38:00.000-04:00

The Following is an article that appeared in one of the local free newspapers here in Indianapolis, and it's an article that my pastor wrote. He's always RIGHT ON, and jsut is so amazing in the way he is blunt and in your face living out this revolution of Grace by living for Jesus, but this is just exceptional since it was publlished in a pretty openly liberal paper here, and I jsut love what he has to say! I was encouraged and inspired, so I thought that I would pass this on to you as well! Enjoy!

September 22, 2004
Christians’ anti-agendas
That’s not what Jesus called us to
Jeff Krajewski

What do you think when you hear the word “Christian”? A Christian is … Many colorful adjectives might be used to fill in that blank.

I would say that I am a Christian, but saying those words places me in a cultural category that I am not so fond of. I am very fond of the Christianity that I read about in the Bible and that I see displayed in the life of Jesus of Nazareth. I am not fond of the cultural Christianity that has emerged and morphed into what we see before us today.

To be Christian today seems to be synonymous with many different things. One of those things is that Christians have an agenda — which is most widely defined by what we are against. Those outside of the church look at us and understandably draw conclusions based on our anti-agenda. While the anti-agenda isn’t what Jesus has called us to, it is unfortunately what we most loudly and consistently project. We come out with positions on this and that and against whatever new moral threat we believe is destroying our country.

Right now, we are against gay marriage. In the past we have been against Disney, Ozzy Osborne, R-rated movies, long hair and beer. This is a painful position to be in and it robs me of the joy of living out my faith. I do not want my life to be defined by what issues I am against because as soon as I have a position against an issue I have also immediately established animosity with others who are for that position. With the barriers up, no productive interaction will ever take place as we have now made enemies out of our neighbors who, incidentally, Jesus called us to love.

The first four books of the New Testament are about the life and teaching of Jesus. The term Christian was given to identify those people who choose to follow after the life and teachings of Jesus. They are literally Christ followers. In the first generation following Jesus’ death and resurrection, thousands of people emerged in first century Palestine, Europe and Asia Minor claiming to follow Jesus of Nazareth. In the last 2,000 years that number has continued to increase by the millions throughout the world.

Those early Christians determined to pattern their lives after the life of Jesus. This is significant in that the community or the church that grew out of this life change was radically different from today’s mainstream American church. They considered themselves to be aliens and strangers in this world. They didn’t quite fit in. They were living their lives in their particular time and space, but not as those around them lived. They weren’t out to make a lot of money or to be successful or powerful. They weren’t running for public office.

They were patterning their lives after the life and teaching of Jesus in practical and tangible ways. They were caring for each other and for the needs of those around them both inside and outside of the church. They were loving God and loving each other and loving everyone they met. They were doing what Jesus did, not just asking the question and wearing the bracelet.

A careful read of the first four books of the New Testament will uncover who and what Jesus was for. He was for life. He was for the kind of life that we were created to live from the very beginning. And he was for tearing down the dividing wall of sin that separates us from God and from each other. He was for the poor and the oppressed. He was for those persons that no one else considered valuable. He was for those who had been rejected by the establishment. He was for those who didn’t have a voice or couldn’t find their place. He was for those who needed an advocate. Jesus was for peace and reconciliation. He was for life the way it was meant to be lived from the very beginning. He was for all of those things that we want to be true of this present life but cannot find. Not only was he for those things, he died so that we could have them ourselves. And his being raised from the dead is the proof that God can give us what we all are looking for. His message to the world was to reconsider the course of living that we are currently on and consider a new course of life with Him.

I would contend that many people claim to be Christian without much information about what that means. And I would also contend that many have rejected the same name for the same misinformed reasons. I am not trying to put a new spin on Jesus or to soften the implications of his deity. He is God in the flesh and we have been given the privilege of coming under his authority. Not everyone will like this and history has proven that not everyone will accept Jesus and his teaching.

I am only concerned that we see Jesus for who he really is in the life of those who claim his name. If people are going to accept or reject Christianity, we need to make sure that they have the opportunity to see Jesus. It would be a shame for Christians or our anti-agendas to be the barrier that prevents people from seeing Jesus. It is time for the church to be the holy nation of God in Christ Jesus and to live up to the name.

I am a Christian and I am for Jesus and His kingdom coming to earth as it already is in heaven

Brokenness and humbled hearts

2004-09-15T11:41:00.000-04:00

I fell down the stairs last night (Tuesday) while moving boxes out my apartment. Not just embarassing, and a ill-timed delay to my roommates suprise birthday dinner to go get x-rays on my ankle instead of enjoying spaghetti with friends. Not broken, just a sprained ankle and a contrite spirit. Nehemiah night (prayer meeting) was Monday night at church, and Jesus and I just cried for about an hour. There are so many things He is showing me aren't about me- that nothing is about me- it's all about HIM, and He's really cleansing my heart and my pride right now. When we ask to be made less so He can be made more, He sure answers quickly. I have to move on a bum ankle and about zero time, and have to ask for help, all the while fund-raising for Africa, which is a humbling process in and of itself. It's not about me- it's all about dying to self and allowing Him to be my all, be my sustenance and stability, my one true constant admist the chaos. This song came to mind this morning, an old Jars of Clay song called Worlds Apart, as I was praying this morning at my computer over my first cup of coffee... and the lyrics echo my heart this morning. Worlds apart... my heart of what I desire and what is current reality... His grace and my sin... how easily I get caught up in everything else to neglect the one thing I hunger and long for more than anything thing else... and how He must literally make me fall (down the stairs?) in order to make me SLOW down and re-evaluate priorities and re-align... This blog entry stuff is getting more and more insightful and personal to what He's really doing in me right now during this journey of molding me into a missionary who simply wants to learn and serve... I hope the vulnerability isn't too much for any of you who actually read along with these entries into my mind of madness... My prayer today for myself and for anyone else who needs it... to simply stand in grace and allow myself to be loved by my creator- not because of anything I can DO.. but sinply because He loves me....

Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay:

I am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all adds up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high
and like icarus I collide
with a world I try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans
more abundant than the tears
of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
to need you - I am on my knees
to love you - take my world apart
to need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
amongst remains of a life I should not own
it takes all I am to believe
in the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me
all I am for all you are
because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Songs in my head...

2004-09-14T16:40:00.000-04:00

This song has been on my heart for a long time, probably since the Acquire the Fire connference last spring, and eveytime I hear it, it makes me think of Africa. all the people hurting, but overlooked because we are so distracted by everything else that's so important around us... and when I step back from the business around me, and really contemplate what I'm about to embarke on, it is a little overwhelming. This song makes me think of those people that I'm going to meet...

Kutless: Sea of Faces

I see the city lights all around me
Everyone's obscure
Ten million people each with their problems
Why should anyone care

And in Your eyes I can see
I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world
Lost in a Sea of Faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because you traded Your life for mine

Sometimes my life it feels so trivial
Immersed in the greatness of space
Yet somehow you still find the time for me
It's then You show me Your love

And in Your eyes I can see
I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world
Lost in a Sea of Faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because you traded Your life for mine

And In Your eyes I can see
And in Your arms I will be

Most of the letters are OUT!

2004-09-09T10:10:00.000-04:00

After a chaotic weekend fighting polio, yellow fever, and what seemed liked strep throat, (Ok, the first two were just vaccines), I've had the time finally to write out the letters and get them sent out to many of those nearest and dearest to me to give them the update! Yes, it's for real, not just rumors- I'm going to Africa- unless this sore throat get's the best of me first! Just kidding- I'll be fine! I'm super excited and relieved- this is a huge hurdle for me to get done- and now the announcement is pretty much out there and it's God's work with the rest- totally in His Hands- and that's a great palce to rest! This whole process is His- it's such a neat place to be right now. I'm in the process of moving out of my apartment and literally into a friends closet for four months- and it feels so good to simplify my life- sort stuff out into piles- give this to friends, this to goodwill- throw all that away- I'm not weighed down by STUFF! I felt like materialism was going to take over my soul- but haha- not me- I'm getting rid of it all! Will I need it in Africa? No? Okay then- trash can it is!
The letter's are mostly out now- just a few that I need address for, but other than that- I've got the majority in the hands of the United States Postal Service :) Thanks for letting me share my heart with you kids!! woohoo!

Links to More Information

2004-09-03T10:13:00.000-04:00

These are links to some sites that will give you more information on where I'm going, what I'll be doing, what I've gotten myself into, etc. I've learned a lot so far, so I hope you do too!

Mercy Ships
(The Organization I'm going with)

The Segue Course!
(The Course I'll be doing aboard the ship)

Data.org- Bono's Organization
(U2's African Crisis Organization)

Benin
(Informational guide on Benin, the first country I'll be in)

Liberia
(Information on Liberia- our second stop)

South Africa
(And, Information on South Africa, our third port)

Blood Water Mission
(The organization Jars of Clay sponsors)

World Food Programme
(The Africa Hunger Alert Page)

World Vision
(Awesome organization doing work overseas and in US cities on the fight against poverty and hunger)

Compassion International
(The organization that my beautiful Sarlin is sponsored through- she's from Indonesia, and I love her so much!)

Bible Gateway
(One of my favorite sites for looking up Bible Passages)

Amy

2004-09-03T10:10:00.000-04:00

Amy
Originally uploaded by amyonamission.

This is me at work!

pic1

2004-09-02T15:17:00.000-04:00

pic1
Originally uploaded by amyonamission.

This is the ANASTASIS!

My first blog!

2004-09-02T11:58:00.000-04:00

Blog. That's a funny word when you think about it, isn't it? Kind of like a Bog or a swampy feel to it, or a rotting log... so are my thoughts going out there to cyber-land with the feel that they're just rotting logs? Anywhoo!
I've created this webpage so that you all can hear al about my preparation to going to Africa. I'm still trying to figure out everything on using this site, so bear with me through the building process! I'm sending out my letters for prayer support and fundraising in the next week, and I'm really excited. God's laid some specific people to pray about, which is interesting to me seeing as I haven't talked with some of them in a long time. Satan attacks in interesting ways as I am beginning this procewss, thoughts like "They won't want to support you" or "These people are going to think you're dumb for asking for support"- and that's really hard to listen to over and over as I address envelopes and pray for the people around me who God wants me to partner with. It's an interesting warfare really... but i know my God will provide for where He called ccalled me to and set me apart for this work. The preparation is not yet as defined and disciplined as i would like it to be, but there are still 4 months away- plenty of time to learn the basics of Afrikaans and really dive into the Word to find what he wants to teach me before I am there to simply learn and serve. I guess those are my biggest prayer requests as well then as you're reading this- my preparation and discipline, and for the support to begin coming through. I don't want to have to give up my time in volunteer ministry to take on a second job to raise extra funds, so I just have to wait on God's timing with support I guess! What a humbling time! Jesus is so praise-worthy and faithful though, so this time is refreshing in his presence and challenging beyond the normal routine! May He bless you as you continue to seek his face and learn to live in His grace!